Over to you.....

The title explains it! This post is a space for the people who know me, to write about their feelings about Robert's death.  It can be anything really- how his loss has affected you, how you feel I have changed since it happened, how my relationship with you may have changed, what you have learned from my journey...anything you want, good or bad.

Anything you feel is on your heart to say, feel free. Email it to me and I will copy it here. I won't censor or edit anything anyone says, and will post things anonymously if you prefer.

I was a bit nervous about trying this, but a friend of mine is doing it and has encouraged me to give it a go....could be very interesting.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I am a recent friend of Sarah's. I can't comment on how Sarah has changed since the tragic loss of her son, but I can speak about how Sarah has helped me,and how much I value her.
I met Sarah on a grief forum, I didn't know who she was, I had only just lost my 3 ½ month old son. I stumbled over some poetry, it spoke to me, it touched my heart. The words in the poems were words that I could have written myself, and sometimes was writing myself. I messaged this mum and asked if I could share her poetry alongside my own on my journal. She agreed.
Since that day I learned more about this Mummy, who despite losing her son, has an ability to throw sense into a situation, and sometimes clarity into a really foggy day.
I feel over the last 7 months that I have come to know Sarah very well, and making a judgement I would assume that she has always been level headed, sensible thinking, have a positive outlook and a caring friend. Although at times I feel Sarah struggles to see this, she still is all of these things, and I am grateful for her.
I feel I have come to know her son, who I only recently saw a photograph of, and he touched my heart to the core, he is beautiful. It is heinous that in this day and age any mummy should be without her child. But much worse when that child is so wanted, so loved, and so missed.
Sarah has been a tower of support to me on days where I have fallen apart and see very little in my life that is worth living for. Sarah touches my heart and soul with her words that she writes, and because I am on a similar path as Sarah I feel that we are friends in life, not just in a computer world. I hope I offer Sarah the same level of friendship and compassion, as she always show to me and others.
Since our friendship started we have shared projects together, we together shared an idea to switch angels gifts with angel parents and family members at Christmas, we have read and commented on each others blogs, and understand that this is where we get a glimpse of each other's souls and what makes us who we are. We have laughed together, we have cried together, we have been angry together.
I am proud to have Sarah as my friend, I am proud that against every ache in her heart she keeps walking, and will keep walking until she finds her light,
I can't have more children naturally, but that doesn't mean I don't wish it for others, and if I am allowed to pass on my hope and dream of motherhood as a gift to another, then I would give this present to Sarah. Because she so deserves it. Sarah won't be a fantastic mother one day, she is a fantastic mother already.
Thank you for your friendship Sarah. I'd be lost without you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I first heard your sad news about Bertie, other than the sadness I thought that, knowing the strong, practical person you are, that you'd be someone who could get through this awful life experience. But every time I think that thought, I think how damn unfair it is - do you have to be a good person for the bad things to happen? Is that how life works? That the bad things are dealt to the ones that are strong enough to cope with them?
I also commend how brave you are sharing your journey on facebook and in your blog. Remotely, I'm walking this journey with you, along with many of your friends, I just hope its not too remote to help carry just a fraction of the heaviness you bear. I'm at the tantrum throwing phase for you at the moment, I just want to stamp my foot and shout "it's not fair" with my bottom lip stuck out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Where to begin? well here goes.

 

Sarah it has been a pleasure to know you and Mark over the years right back to when you were at Bishop with Carolyn.

Then you and Mark attending our wedding and us being there with you sharing your day.

When you told us that you were expecting Robert we were both over the moon for you and Mark I thought that it could not have happened a nicer couple.

Then when we met up at Irchester country park with you,Mark and the family we had such wonderful time you looked well and the both of you were looking forward about becoming parents,then we went our separate ways.

 

Then one day after coming home from work we had the devestating telephone call saying that you and Robert were in hospital over the next few days you were in our prayers every day.Alice and William prayed for you everyday even at church when we had an open prayer Alice when to the front of church and asked them to pray for the three of you..

Then we had the devastating news about Robert,I don't cry that often but when I found out I did.

I would have love to have met Robert he would have been a credit to you and Mark and I look forward to meeting him in Heaven when I get there.

 

Sarah you are one of the strongest people I know you may not feel it but  please believe me you are.

I can never understand how you have felt over the last year but reading your blog has given me understanding into your

feelings,what you and Mark have had  to deal with is unfair,unjust and just wrong.

 

I am sorry if I have made you cry whilst reading this and I am proud to have you and Mark as good friends.

How am I.....I mean, really?

I've been asked this twice this week, "How are you Sarah? I mean, how are you really?" It's not a good question, it's a great question! It tells me that you really want to know, you don't want to just hear the automatic "I'm ok"...you want me to remove the mask and talk to you. Problem is, right now, I don't really know how to answer it.

I would not say that I am clinically depressed any longer, I mean, if I were to sit and fill in a depression questionnaire right now, I would score OK.  I take care of my appearance (when it matters), I enjoy doing the things I used to, I even have some new interests which I love. I am interested in other peoples' lives, and the news.  I am busy and always doing things, I don't want to hide in bed all day every day.  But.  It's an empty life. Busy, but empty. I am here, and engaged in what I am doing, mostly....but part of me is elsewhere all the time.  I'm in limbo, somewhere between existing and living.  I am not happy, I am not content, I'm getting by.

I've been camping on the edge of The Pit these past few days, and it's not a nice place to be.  Today, I feel ready to begin the climb up the mountain again. It's very tiring though, to keep starting that climb over and over, and at some point, slipping back down, or getting knocked back down, somehow finding myself back staring into the abyss of The Pit.  14 months on, there are days where it feels like I haven't made any progress at all.   I have, of course, I never get back as far as the tar, I always stop at the ledge, if I do fall in....but it feels like a never ending journey.  Will I ever reach the top of the mountain and just stay there? Can I even be bothered to keep trying?

Last night, I offered a prayer of thanks that my heart felt a little lighter. That is what I felt grateful for.  That, and the fact that someone else's good news didn't knock me down this time, that I was able to just feel joy for the person concerned. That's a very humbling experience, that being "fine" is what you are thankful for, even when fine doesn't mean the same as it used to.

There has to be more, right? There has to be something waiting for me at the top of the mountain? Something willing me to keep trying to reach the summit, or what's the point of even trying?  It's really hard work you know, continually working at being fine, continually working at standing up, walking away from the edge and beginning the climb again.  I used to be a strong believer in positive thinking, and I am still attempting to stick with that, with my meditation and CBT techniques, but it's hard work, I can tell you.  Sometimes, we all just need something good to happen, to give us the boost we need to continue to hope and feel positive. Otherwise, it's just false, empty, meaningless.

Positive mental attitude. Who am I trying to convince? Myself, or everyone around me?

A Childless Mother

A Childless Mother

A childless mother wanders alone,

In the silence around her, her thoughts start to roam

Christmas is coming, his second in Heaven

Will I feel any better when it's five, when it's seven?

This childless mother won't hide gifts in her shed,

She'll just take flowers up to his forever bed.

A childless mother, what use is she now?

She must pick up the pieces, carry on somehow.

She's come so far, yet she's back at the start,

Her world is still shattered, and so is her heart.

A childless mother, still feeling despair

Must keep going, hoping to "get there"

Scared for the future, clinging to hope

Still finding her way, struggling to cope.

A childless mother wipes tears from her eyes,

Outside she's smiling, but inside she dies.

So many emotions...none of them good.

Life feels very unfair right now. You'd think that losing Bertie would be enough for one family really, surely I've had my bad luck, now it's time for my happy ending. No, now I have to face fertility problems too....14 months on, no happy ending for us yet, we must keep going, ploughing on through the frustration and anguish, trying to keep hope going, but getting tired, oh so tired of it all.

We are approaching another Christmas.  It's not as bad as last year, of course, but it is hard none the less. I suppose every Christmas will be hard...but one of the things I kept telling myself to get through last year was, well, maybe by next year, you'll be expecting your rainbow. Well, here we are, and I am not.   How much more? Another Christmas? Another mothers' day? Another birthday? Another week? I wish I knew.  

I feel so broken, and useless.  My body is betraying me all over again.

I must sound so childish, moody, I'm not. I'm a sad, frustrated, grieving, childless mother who has no control over her future hopes and aspirations. It isn't a fun place to be.

Oh my creator- why give me a heart full of love, and a desire to be a mother, and a body that can't do it? Why bless me with friends who understand, who have been through what I have, then torment me as one by one they get their dream and I'm left behind?  I just don't understand.

Rational mind: meet compassionate self (CBT 5)

My next exercise is to try to build up to changing my negative/depressive thoughts to more helpful ones.  Anyone who has suffered depression will know that when you're feeling low/worried about the future/fixated on a problem or loss, it really isn't all that helpful for someone to say "look for the positives" or "it isn't as bad as you think"....you rational mind knows that full well, thank you, but it isn't as easy as just telling yourself to think differently- that doesn't work.

So, the trick I am learning is to have a conversation with my compassionate self- that older, wiser me.  She represents my rational mind talking back at me, but in an understanding, compassionate way. She knows why I feel the way I do, and reassures me that it is understandable...but then she helps me look at it in a different way- as I would if I were talking to a friend.

Good practice today.  I think this will only work if I continue to practice it, but so far, so good.