"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday 28 August 2016

The adventure begins

Our second son and Bertie's little brother made his grand entrance to the world just under a week ago.   It has been a whirlwind week to say the least! Oliver Solomon gave us all the biggest suprise by being born on the landing at home. There was no time to get to hospital so he was delivered by the paramedics and his daddy cut the cord. It was amazing! I find it very ironic that for Bertie's birth I really wanted a home birth but wound up with an emergency c section under anaesthesia; whereas this time I had resigned myself to the high risk, highly medicalised birth which would likely result in another c section, and got the home birth I though I would never now have! We made it to 37+5 in the end, and he weighed 6lb 5oz.

So we are now parents to a rainbow baby. As I said, it's been a whirlwind. It is wonderful, it really is. Oliver is bringing us so much joy and he is a treasure. But there have also been a lot of tears over Bertie.   I realised there would be of course, but I wasn't fully prepared for how often they would come, and how unexpectedly. Little moments, such as laying next to the hospital cot with Oliver holding my finger.  Instantly transported back to another hospital, an incubator, a smaller baby who could only grab my pinkie not my first finger.  It is realising the full extent of all we lost when Bertie died with every new thing Oliver does or we do with him.

They say you find more space on your heart to love each new child as much as the last, and it is true. But couples parenting after loss have to love each of their children in different ways.  One is here, one is not. But both equally special and equally important.  It breaks my heart that Oliver will grow up without his big brother looking out for him.  On our second night in hospital, both he and I were wide awake, so I picked him up for some skin to skin. As he began to settle, my tears began to fall for the baby I never got to hold so close, never got to feel nestle against me, who I also whispered softly to, mummy's here, just go to sleep....  With tears streaming I held Oliver tightly, and began to tell him: "there's someone I want you to know about...."

Friday 12 August 2016

The end is in sight!

Well, we are past 36 weeks and into the last few weeks of this pregnancy! Of course, the baby could still arrive at any time, but we now know that we have less than three weeks to go, maximum after seeing our consultant today and agreeing the last date I will be going to before they intervene.  Less than three weeks!! Incredible.

So this afternoon I have pulled my socks up and finished the mobile I have been making to pass my bed rest time at home.  Now I am officially off bed rest, I thought I had better do it, or it will never get done! So, that's the nursery pretty much finished, apart from waiting for daddy T to put a hook in the ceiling so that we can hang the Noah's ark mobile properly!







As you can see, we have gone with a rainbow theme (predictable, yes, but it pandas to the optometrist in me who knows that young babies see bright colours better than pastels!) We have kept a couple of bits from Bertie's Pooh bear theme aswell, so it is a balance between a new room for a new baby, whilst still remembering and including their big brother.

So how do I feel? Good question! OK! I think. I am not worried about the baby at all. Not really. Well, no more than any regular mum anyway. I am still getting frequent movement, and Grub seems to love waking my up at ungodly hours of the morning with kicks.  Watching the Olympics makes me wonder if this one will be a gymnast! Today's growth scan estimates a weight of 6lb. 6lb! I have re-packed the hospital bag to include newborn sized nappies and clothes, instead of premature ones, and we have a big bag of premature supplies to donate to the NICU.  In just 5 days we will officially be at term, well early term anyway.  So yeah, I am not too worried about the baby now. I am nervous about the birth, but who isn't?  Feeling OK, excited overall.

What is on my mind is Bertie.  I am struggling with the thought that with such a young baby, we may not be able to travel down to his foreverbed for his birthday this year, for the first time. I don't want to feel like he has been pushed out of mind because of his new sibling. I feel even more urgently that I need to remind everyone that he would be turning five next month, and starting school. I still miss him, this baby doesn't make it all OK that none of that is happening as it should be.  On the other hand, I don't want Grub's birth to be overshadowed by Bertie's death. That is why my preference would be for Grub to arrive in August, rather than going up to our due date on 7th Sept. Fortunately our consultant understood that and has agreed.  I think future birthdays and parties would be hard, knowing that Bertie should be having his a week or two later but he won't be. A different month makes it easier somehow. It's a tricky balance, finding space for both babies in the world. Of course, the world would prefer to concentrate on the living, so it is up to me to make sure Bertie is still a part of everything.  So, with the left over felt from Grub's mobile, I am working on Bertie's gift next. I always make him something for his birthday so it feels fitting this year to share that with his sibling.  It isn't finished yet, so will share it with you when it is done. That is next on my pre-baby to-do list!