"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday 31 August 2012

Being kinder to myself (CBT 2)

My second task in the CBT course is to learn to be more compassionate to myself.  To treat myself as I would a good friend.  Ie, be kinder to myself.  As a starting point I am encouraged to choose a colour to represent kindness, and to imagine myself surrounded by that colour.

So, I've been trying this out today.  Each time a negative thought has entered my mind, I have answered it as if I were talking to a friend.  I am not allowing myself to compare myself negatively with others, or to dwell on things other people have which I don't yet.  I am instead telling myself that I will get there too, eventually.  For example, a big fear of mine at the moment is that my pregnant friends will deliver their babies, and I will still be trying for another.......I see it a a failure in myself that I am not pregnant too.....I am constantly comparing myself to them and asking when will it be me? Well, I am trying to be kinder to myself and not allow myself to get bogged down in these thoughts, but to look to my future, a future that will involve being a mum again eventually, no matter what other people are up to.   It is also about focussing on the good things I do have, the things I have achieved and the people around me who care about me, rather than concentraing on the things that are missing in my life all the time.

So, I thought I'd go for a swim this afternoon to give me some distraction free time to practice my mindfulness and self kindness. Swimming along, surrounded by my kind colour, perfect right? Note to self: three thirty on a Friday afternoon in the school holidays is not the best time to go swimming! Still, I did manage a few mindful lengths, and after I got head butted by a little boy who decided to randomly launch himself backwards into the pool just as I passed him, and thoroughly soaked by a little girl who was just learning how to propel herself forwards using her legs......I managed to laugh, not cry. So, I see that as a positive step forward don't you?


Monday 27 August 2012

Fighting back against depression (CBT part 1)


As many of you by now know, I have just started a self help CBT course (just a book to begin with, and I will see how I go). I decided I needed to do something.......I am aware that I am getting into  negative thought patterns, and that I am showing signs of slipping back into depression.  I am also aware that I need to try to change my mindset, but that I don't have the tools to do that on my own.  So, I thought I would give this a try.

As a few people have asked me to let them know how I get on, and some of my readers may be facing similar problems, I thought I'd start a blog-within-a-blog to report my progress.  I will mark these CBT blogs in the title, so anyone not interested in this part of my journey can avoid reading them.

Part one then: After lots of introduction into how our minds work, and specifically, how depression works (cue lots of nodding and recognition of symptoms from me) my first exercise: mindfulness.  My first task is to focus on the present, and try to stop my thoughts from wandering off...but if they do, I am to be kind to myself, just bring my attention back to the now without being annoyed with myself for wandering off.  I have always been useless at this.  When I used to do yoga, I would spend the whole 10 mins relaxation at the end trying desperately to quiet my mind and stop my thoughts spinning, not very relaxing! Still, I am prepared to give it a go, so I will try. I have had a little head start with this one, by doing my nightly relaxation mp3s, I have got used to relaxing my mind now...as long as I have something to focus on...so, I will need to choose a mantra to keep repeating....."om" never quite did it for me!

Friday 24 August 2012

Reflections on the worst year of our lives

A line I am hearing a lot from my baby lost friends at the moment...."I can't believe it's been almost a year". I feel exactly the same.  Where has this year gone? I can't believe I have actually made it to this point, and somehow I'm still standing, for the most part.  I am wobbling though.....these last few weeks of this first terrible year are taking their toll.  Another thing I keep hearing is that the buildup is worse than the day itself (referring to the first birthday) I don't doubt it for a second, that has been true for every big milestone so far, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have to live through the buildup, again.  This year has been a cycle of building up to a milestone, making it through, being "ok" for a while, then building up to the next one.  What kind of life is that?  I don't feel like I have lived, not really, just existed for the most part.

The first three months went by in a blur, or fog, I suppose.  Days stretched out before me, I lived hour by hour, barely getting out of bed, barely eating, afraid to leave the house,  I was reminded yesterday that there was a day when I was too scared to go out and buy deodorant.  How far I have come, and yet it feels like I haven't come anywhere at all.  I'm back at work, doing OK, some days loving it, other days hating it, depending on what I am faced with.  I am getting out and seeing people, but still sometimes I just don't want to see anyone.  I'm about to go on holiday...something I could not have contemplated even 6 months ago....but I am worried I'm going to hate it because of the dates.  Still living the contradictions then!

Right now it's the should be's again, I should be planning a first birthday party......not making a wreath for his grave.  I know I won't miss him that day any more than any other, but as the time approaches, I can't help but think about this time last year...the things I was doing, the promise I made to Oglet, that I would bring him/her back to Ashdown forest to play poohsticks again.  I wish I couldn't remember saying that.  On his birthday, and the days that follow, there is an inevitability that I will be remembering what happened each moment, each day.   

I seem to be drowning in another wave, this is a big one, I know why it's a big one, but that doesn't make it any easier.  On top of the grief is the frustration, that a year on, we are no closer to our dream of being parents, life is no further forward.  I have come so far.  But, it isn't enough. I can't get excited over the fact that I am just about back to where I always was anyway.....I am nearly normal again! Big whoop!
Life is empty. I just want to be a mum, a proper mum, one who gets to plan birthday parties and see her baby smile.

This year has been terrible, hell, the worst year I have ever faced, and I hope, will ever face.  As much as I am dreading Bertie's angelversary, I also can't wait for it to be here, so that I will have made it through the first year, and can know that it will never be as bad as it was then.

I will finish with a line from a famous musical I saw recently. "I had a dream my life would be....so different from this hell I'm living" Me too Fantine...me too.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

A week in the life of an angel mum

This past week or so has been a huge emotional roller coaster.  Or perhaps I should say, my life is a huge emotional roller coaster, and this week has been a case in point.

11 months. I am struggling with his birthday coming, I know that, I recognise that, I accept that.  It is making me more emotional and less able to cope with certain situations, becuase the burden it getting too much again.

So this week. It began with  another pregnancy announcement at work. That's four since Robert died.  My mental reaction this time was "of course she is". I seem to have resigned myself to expect at least one a month....maybe one of these months will be my month......I am really trying to not be jealous, or resentful, or sad each time it happens for someone else.....but it is hard.   I feel as though I am surrounded by reminders of what I have lost, and happy as I am for other people, it just rubs salt in a very open wound.   A very good friend of mine tells me frequently to stop putting so much pressure on myself.  God I wish I knew how to do that.  Can anyone help me? 

Wednesday, was a lot better. I was asked to start working in a new clinic alongside our new consultant.  It's an area I have trained in before, really enjoyed, but had to give up for various reasons, much to my disappointment at the time.  Well, in my first clinic with her this week, she rocketed from expecting to train me for six months, to sending me off to work alone once she realized how much I knew.  I loved it, and finished the clinic buzzing.  She gave me fantastic feedback and as a result I potentially will be doing an extra day at work per week to help run this clinic.  That afternoon, I sat and sobbed! Huh? Yep, I actually sat and cried.....I was just so overwhelmed that for the first time since losing Robert, I really enjoyed being at work, got a real buzz from doing a good job, and really saw a bit of the old me peeking out from behind the mask.  It was a huge self esteem boost, at just the right time.  So ridiculous that even the good stuff makes me cry. 

On Friday, I had a huge hurdle to face.  I was the only optician in the clinic, and it was a full day of peadiatrics.   I knew it was a full peads list, I'd been mentally preparing myself for it, and for the inevitability that there would be a baby somewhere on the list.  So, when I arrived, I went to check the list to see what I was going to have to face.  To my horror, a little boy, born on Robert's due date.  He also had a name beginning with R.  Panic set in immediately.   Proper sweaty palms moment.  I spent the whole morning flitting between psyching myself up for it, and hoping that they wouldn't turn up. They did.  I very nearly asked a doctor to see him instead, but in the end decided I needed to do this, ready or not, this was something I had to face at some point. So I did, and I stayed professional, just. Wow was it hard.  I fought back tears as he starting making mu mu mum noises and his mum got all excited saying that's the first time he's said that.......Writing about it now is bringing back the feelings I had in that moment.  Ok, it's a hurdle faced, I was so strong etc etc.....honestly, I don't think that one is ever going to be ok.  This isn't one of those hurdles you pass, and after the first time, it gets easier.  This one is going to hurt like hell, forever, every time.  But I did it, and I will again.  I just wish I didn't have to.

Then Saturday, a lovely day with my angel mummy group.  They are a great support, and I treasure them all, but, and I am sure they won't mind me saying this, it was hard too. They know why. Bittersweet. Happysad.  A contradiction.  Lots of time to talk about Robert freely, lots of feelings resurfacing, lots of laughs, a few tears. 

And now, well, right now, I am emotionally exhausted. So I will sign off, and strive for a happier blog next time. 





Saturday 4 August 2012

Finding acceptance

For twenty six weeks and three days, Robert was my future; for two wonderful, stressful, exciting, scary, bittersweet days, he was my world; for more than ten months now, he's been my angel.  Somehow, him being gone seems more real to me than him ever being here.  Now, to me, he is sunshine, and clouds, and dancing candle flames.  But he was, is, my son.  He was here.  Hard to reconcile the two together.   Is this acceptance? That elusive place that takes women about a year, and men about six months to find? I have no idea. I have never had to find acceptance before, so I don't know what it looks like.

Wherever I am, this realisation has rocked me.  How can him being gone seem more real than him being here? I'm him mum, always will be......but I don't get to do the mum things.  Instad of being proud of his first steps, I credit him with forming weather systems! Because I need to.  Despite "accepting" his absence, I need to feel his presence. I need him in my present.  That's why I write.

If this is acceptance, I am not sure I like it.  Ok, I no longer sit and think over and over, how can this be? How can he not be here? That is good I guess.....but now I have a whole new set of emotions to deal with.  How can I have accepted this? How could I? I'm his mum, if I don't cry for him, who will? Oh,  but I do cry.   "Acceptance" is not where it becomes ok that this happened.....it is where you finally learn to live with the fact that it has.  Does this mean my grief is resolved? No. I am still grieving, very hard.......I am still not sure that particular utopia exists.