"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday 27 January 2013

Facing my fears

So at the moment at church, we are working through the book of James. It's a great little book, full of useful, but quite hard hitting, advice for Christians.  Today was about, broadly, not holding prejudices against certain people or groups, not to favor one person, or group of people, over another.  We were given some time after the sermon to reflect on whether there are certain people, or groups in our life who we do fall short with, who we do avoid, or treat differently, or feel prejudice towards. What came to me was mothers and young children.

For 16 months, I have avoided, as much as possible, all pregnant women, mums with new babies, and even those with toddlers. For my own sanity and protection, I've had to.  I didn't want to know, or see what I am missing, what I should have and don't.....what I am still desperate for, and am not getting.  Why upset myself by exposing myself to it all?  But, today, I really feel like this has to change. I am questionning why I feel I need to do this, still....is it for my own protection, or has it become a habit? 

A colleague went on mat leave last week, and I have caught myself planning ahead to how I will react when she brings the baby in to meet us all...how I can politely slip away without causing a scene...well, actually, why can't I just meet the baby with everyone else? Whether or not I do, won't change my situation will it? This baby is not Bertie, nor is it my rainbow. What's so hard about saying "congratulations, isn't he/she so beautiful?" and just holding back my own feelings for a while? I think I could do it now. I think I need to do it now.

I'll start by reconnecting with some old friends who I have drifted away from becuase they have what I don't. I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to do it.  I am worried that if I continue to avoid all people with young children, I will soon run out of friends! It can't be good for me to continue to try and pretend the world doesn't contain babies. Maybe this is what has been holding me back from my own? Maybe this is the point I needed to reach before I could be ready to carry another child? I don't know.  But I do know, It's time to face my fears.  It won't be easy, I can't just turn off my feelings of jealousy, sadness, hope and loss, but I will try to put them aside and embrace other peoples' happiness.  God help me.



Friday 25 January 2013

A mother born in vain

16 months ago, another mother was born in vain. This is it. This explains it.....I am not just grieving my lost son. I am not just trying for a baby. I. am. a. mother. In vain. In my heart. I know what it is to be a mother. To love your child, the most precious thing you will ever hold.  And I lost it.  I lost him. And now....now here I am, 16 months on, still trying desperately to get that thing back.....motherhood. I have a heart full of love for my baby and no baby to give it to. What's the point of being a warrior mum with nothing to protect? I ask again, what purpose my life now?

Once you've had it, there's no looking back.  In the words of Gemma Hayes' song, Oliver,  "I look the same, but I'm a little different now" I'm a mother. Not just a wife. Only, I am...just a wife.

There's no, "make the most of the two of you" there's no "Oh, well, it means we get another holiday"...there's no comfort in "well, you can have one of mine, I need a break" or "you're still young, you've got time" Or "it will happen when the time is right"....The time was right 16 months ago. The time is right NOW. I am a mother. I need to be a mother again.  We were three. We were Team Townend. Two just isn't enough any more. We were three. We should still be three. There should not be wings on my baby's back.











Saturday 19 January 2013

It has been too long.

And here I am, in meltdown again. It started with a prayer. Thanks for my new cat and the happiness she is bringing me....but, you know, it isn't enough. She is wonderful, yet she is the consolation prize. We both know there's only one reason I adopted her.  You know the desire of my heart. You know what I need.  So many people are asking, and yet......too long. It's been too long now.  Why is it not my time? Why wasn't it Bertie's time? How much longer do I have to feel this pain? How many more times do I have to congratulate somebody else and choke back my tears?

We live in a broken world, and life is not fair. And yet, they say "let go and let God". They tell me You have a plan. But they also say bad stuff happens and it isn't down to You, it's becuase the world is broken.  What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to believe?  All I know is, I feel sad and broken and lonely.   Nobody knows how to help me. Nobody can answer my questions.   So I pick myself up and carry on.  I pet my cat and I get on with life. I cope for another week, and then it hits again, right between the eyes. Too long. Enough now. I'm a good person. i'm not perfect, i'm human. I deserve more than this, don't I? Please. Please. Please.

Bargaining. One of the stages of grief. But what am I grieving for now? My son, or my fading hopes?

.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Leibster Award

The Liebster is a blog award for up and coming bloggers.
RULES
This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. Thanks Helen for nominating me: I will answer your questions, but they are tricky!


1.    What do you hope 2013 will be like for you?
The short answer is: happier.
What I aspire to for this year is to become an Earth mum, or if not, to at least be on the way to being one. I also want to make peace with God. I doubt I will achieve the latter if I don't achieve the former.  I am afraid of getting to the end of this year and still feeling how I do right now. I want happier.

2.  If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be?
Write a blog. Make them understand. Do it your way and don't be ashamed to cry.

3.  When you are upset, what brings you most comfort?
Very hard one to answer. It really depends on what exactly has triggered me. Often it will be to look at Bertie's photo and talk to him, or to write him a letter. Maybe to do something for him.  Other days what I need is to talk to someone who will just listen, who won't try to fix it or make me see the "positive side" but will just say "yeah, that is really hard, I understand why you are upset"


4.  if there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first?
His bed, the one thing we have that he touched in life. Also his life album, his story. 
 
5.  What quotes can you most relate to?
It's one I just discovered tonight, but is so true for me. I remember feeling this so clearly:

"One of the most vicious blows of grief is the realization that it isn’t going to kill you. My conscious mind didn’t even know that was my expectation but when I slowly started to confront the reality that I was still alive… that I was going to be alive for the foreseeable future the reality kicked me so hard I barely moved for days. I’m going to live through this… what a betrayal."
Written by Jodie at becausesomeoneneedstoknow.  She is so right.  It's like a second blow, after the initial shock, comes the realization that this is forever. The moment you realize that it isn't going to end. Until you end. And so, you just want to end......

6.  If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Heaven.

7.  Describe a perfect day?
"Perfect" is no longer possible. I have a vision of a day out, at the beach, or in the woods, with my husband and living children, we are walking behind them, they are running and laughing and I am feeling contentment. That is as close to perfect as I think it will get for me on Earth.

8.  If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
Jealousy. Of people who still have innocence. Who still enjoy Christmas. Who have all their children, Who have rainbow children......

9.  Why do you blog?
Because it keeps me sane. Because I can't explain it in words. Because some people want to understand.

10.  What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad)
"He would have been such a happy child. You have to live you life and not be so sad"




Tuesday 15 January 2013

Today I cuddled a four year old

I was visiting the vision support service, who work with blind and partially sighted children in mainstream school- to see what happens to the kids we refer from the hospital. The little boy, G, could see only light, but he was doing amazingly well in mainstream nursery school- with the support of a specialist teacher of the visually impaired.

As I watched him "read" Braille pictures of fruit and then find the matching real fruit from the bowl, I thought about another little boy, my little boy, who if he were here, may well have had vision problems. I remembered frantically trying to remember what I knew about retinopathy of prematurity whilst he was in his incubator fighting for life.....I wondered how I'd have reacted walking into this classroom of chaos, with 60 4 year olds playing games and making pizza.....would I have sent him here?  I hope I would have, because G was doing amazingly! He fitted in just fine and coped brilliantly, just another four year old boy who wanted his turn making pizza now! As we made to leave, G said he "wants to cuddle Sarah" so, we did. And I got covered in pizza crumbs.  And I loved it. And I missed my boy. And I wondered if Bertie had whispered in G's ear to cuddle his mummy. And I didn't cry.

And I am now.....but that's ok.

Wednesday 9 January 2013

James 1: 2-4

"Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"

Hmm.

Tuesday 8 January 2013

Living with a boulder on my heart

That’s what it feels like. This crushing weight I have to carry around all the time. My Bertie pain. My “I’m not a mum, but I am, but I’m not…but I should be” pain. My failure to make it right pain. Instead of a rainbow pregnancy lightening the weight, my lack of one is an added burden.  Not that that would make it right even…but it’s the only thing that will make it better. I still want to be a mum, that's the bottom line. And in my heart, I am, just not in practice.  And maybe, just maybe, if I can be again, I will feel happy.

It’s constant…buzzing round my head. “Stop thinking about it” they say. How on Earth am I supposed to do that? How do you ignore a wasp in your ear? How do you ignore a big old boulder crushing what is left of your fragile heart?  There’s no let up, no escape, ever.

“Try to relax and it will happen” they say.  Believe me, I have tried, Oh I have tried, so hard. I have an arsenal of self help tools to try and keep me going. I’ve done counselling, CBT, relaxation, acupuncture, yoga, writing, reading, praying. Now what? I can give myself a pep talk every day, I can try to dredge up that positive thinking, again and again. It doesn’t make the boulder any lighter though; it doesn’t actually work, does it?

"Concentrate on the things you do have" I am counting my blessings. I have a home and a husband, a loving family and a job.  I am reasonably healthy (apart from the one area that matters to me!) But, I need more from life than this-it isn't enough. I don't want fame or fortune. I don't want a mansion or a sports car, big holidays, to be the boss or have lots of things. I only want a family of my own, to love and take care of, to see grow up and live their own life. Apparantly that is too much to ask for.  And I just feel sad. So sad. All the time. For so long now.  And it isn’t fair! I am a good person, and I deserve better than this. I deserve a life worth living.

Don't I?

Tuesday 1 January 2013

Another new year: what will it bring?

And so we have welcomed in 2013 and I have mixed feelings as usual.  2011 brought my first pregnancy and the happiest six months of my life, I met my son, I said goodbye to him, I had the worst three months of my life.  I saw in 2012 in tears as I wasn't ready to leave "his year" behind. I tried to tell myself that it was a new year, a new start, that things would get better......

2012 I have dubbed "the year of unfulfilled dreams." Not a fresh start, but an extension of the end of 2011. It saw all the "firsts", but not the firsts that should have been. Instead of first words, first steps, first teddies......it saw the first christmas, first Mother's Day, first Father's Day, first birthday without him.....  And they were all spaced throughout the year every couple of months; a relentless line of hurdles that we had to keep jumping over.  Alongside our Bertie pain came the frustration and pain, yes, pain of trying, and failing, to conceive again.   Each milestone was a reminder that we were no closer to our dream of being parents in the way we want to be.   Meanwhile, so many people around us shared their happy news, each one another little happy for them, but sad for us, jab.

So, on to 2013. Well it has got to be better, right? I no longer see the passing year as moving further away from Bertie, but closer to being with him again.  You may find that a bit morbid, but it's true.   I keep flitting between feeling positive, and confident that this will be our year, that by next Christmas, we will at least have our rainbow on the way, if not in our arms....to feeling,  but what if we don't? We are fast approaching the twelve month point of trying,  and it's yet another "milestone" in a lot of ways. We've tried, and failed, for nearly a year. It's a long time, on top of the time we tried for, and waited for Bertie, then had to wait before we could try again, mentally and physically.  I am older.  So many people have said to me "at least you know you can get pregnant" and for the first few months I said it too...but now, I am really starting to feel that no, I don't know that I can at all.  I know that I could, and did but I also know that there are no guarantees. And I frequently catch myself thinking "what if Bertie was my only chance?"   I know I need to try and be positive, for my sanity's sake......but the more time passes, the harder that is.  Overall, I am feeling ok, that surely, surely, surely, it has to be our turn soon. I hope so, becuase I am fast running out of distraction tactics, and I honestly don't think I could get through a third Christmas feeling this way.