"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 13 May 2012


People try very hard to help us make sense of the "why".  I have heard so many variations of "things happen for a reason", "it was God's will", "He needed him more", "it's all for a higher purpose".......None of these things make me feel better.  Infact they make me feel worse.  They make me feel that, as well as losing my son, and a huge part of myself, I have lost my God too. How can I believe in a God who could take my baby away? What "higher purpose" could ever make this OK?

My faith, my belief system, has been shaken up, torn apart, and put back together with jagged edges.  It is still there, just differently to how it was.

As children we are taught to believe that God is all powerful, and that he is Just and fair.  Well, to continue to believe those two things, I must also believe that I deserved this to happen.  If I didn't deserve it, well, either He is not all powerful, or He is not just and fair.  I believe we live in an imperfect world, and He cannot "fix" everything.  I believe He is as angered by Robert's death as I am.  Maybe I believe that because it "fits" better for me that way, but I cannot find a better way to make sense of it all right now.

I used to believe things happen for a reason, and I have examples from my life where at the time, it felt like the end of the world, but later I would look back and see that actually, it was for the best. Not this. Tell me, how could losing my son ever be for the best?Could you believe that if you lost your child?  What I think now is, terrible things happen because the world is imperfect.  God's hand in our lives shows through the way we continue on, we help and support each other and we continue to believe there must be something to live for when it seems all is lost.

This piece is untitled so far, as I cannot find an appropriate title.  It is me questioning God, something I expect I will continue to do for the rest of my life.

Did you intend for this to happen?
Was it always part of your plan?
Did you know I was to lose my son
Before his life ever really began?
Is this a lesson that I needed to learn?
Had my life been too easy, was it just my turn,
For sorrow, for heartbreak, for confusion, for doubt?
Did you want me to question you,  do you want me to shout?
Because I will, I do, because I don’t understand
Why this had to happen to my little man!
I try to see the good things that may be yet to come
But I can’t see what they could be, I’ve been struck dumb.
I know that I must trust that in time I will see
Your footprints in the sand, that you’re carrying me
Ever forward on my journey, the reason I’m still here
Despite the madness, despite all the fear
I am grateful for that, that you love me enough,
To keep me believing, though the journey has been rough
I will continue on with faithfulness, and wait for hope to restart
But my hallelujah is broken, just like my heart.

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