"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 28 August 2016

The adventure begins

Our second son and Bertie's little brother made his grand entrance to the world just under a week ago.   It has been a whirlwind week to say the least! Oliver Solomon gave us all the biggest suprise by being born on the landing at home. There was no time to get to hospital so he was delivered by the paramedics and his daddy cut the cord. It was amazing! I find it very ironic that for Bertie's birth I really wanted a home birth but wound up with an emergency c section under anaesthesia; whereas this time I had resigned myself to the high risk, highly medicalised birth which would likely result in another c section, and got the home birth I though I would never now have! We made it to 37+5 in the end, and he weighed 6lb 5oz.

So we are now parents to a rainbow baby. As I said, it's been a whirlwind. It is wonderful, it really is. Oliver is bringing us so much joy and he is a treasure. But there have also been a lot of tears over Bertie.   I realised there would be of course, but I wasn't fully prepared for how often they would come, and how unexpectedly. Little moments, such as laying next to the hospital cot with Oliver holding my finger.  Instantly transported back to another hospital, an incubator, a smaller baby who could only grab my pinkie not my first finger.  It is realising the full extent of all we lost when Bertie died with every new thing Oliver does or we do with him.

They say you find more space on your heart to love each new child as much as the last, and it is true. But couples parenting after loss have to love each of their children in different ways.  One is here, one is not. But both equally special and equally important.  It breaks my heart that Oliver will grow up without his big brother looking out for him.  On our second night in hospital, both he and I were wide awake, so I picked him up for some skin to skin. As he began to settle, my tears began to fall for the baby I never got to hold so close, never got to feel nestle against me, who I also whispered softly to, mummy's here, just go to sleep....  With tears streaming I held Oliver tightly, and began to tell him: "there's someone I want you to know about...."

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