"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday 30 August 2014

What would I tell my pre-bereaved self?

I've just seen an interesting question on facebook: "If you could go back in time to visit yourself, before you became bereaved, what would you say to yourself?" It got me thinking, and when I think I usually blog, so here are my thoughts.  

I would tell her to enjoy every moment of pregnancy, but not to take a second for granted. To keep a diary and write down every thing you felt, the first kick, and every one after it.  Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And then feeling wonderful! Every hiccup, the feeling of euphoria after each scan....everything. You'll wish you had later. You will want to remember it all.   Share everything with your husband- tell him about everything you feel, so he feels the same attachment to the baby you do.

To take more photos of yourself pregnant. Don't wait until you get bigger. Just do it now- all through. Dressed up, dressed down, on you own and as a family. Take them.

Don't leave your home full of baby magazines, leaflets and vouchers on every surface. Put them away so if the worst happens, you don't have to come home to it all everywhere.  Avoid signing up to emails from baby companies.

Don't work so hard. You will manage without the extra money. Listen to your body. When you get tired, STOP. 

When he is born, take more photos. And more again. Never mind they all look the same- you'll want them when they are all you have left.  Pose for photos with the three of you in them-smiling and happy- you will wish you had them.

Never mind if you are exhausted. Spend. Every. Second in NICU with him. Just watching, smelling, soaking in every inch of him.

At the end, ask them for his hat.

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This may read like a list of regrets. I suppose in some ways it is. It's a wish-I-had...list. I wonder if I will follow it if I ever manage to get pregnant again.

Tuesday 26 August 2014

The many perspectives of grief

I had a conversation with Bertie's grandma at the weekend. One which left me a little shocked as to how far apart our views on grief, and missing him, and how to deal with it really are.  She commented that he is "all over my house" and didn't I think it would be easier on me if I kept him to the nursery? That way I could go in and look whenever I wanted?

Err.....no. Actually I am trying very hard to keep him out of the nursery. It isn't his nursery, not any more. Since we moved, since we packed that room away and filled this new one, I drew a line in my mind. He is no longer a baby, that is no longer his room. That is the room we don't use right now, but it's waiting to be filled soon we hope. Wouldn't making it a shrine to Bertie be a little creepy? Or did she mean to suggest I should pack him away in a drawer? I don't know what she meant, I am not sure she did either. I told her that for me, I need to have him all around, that it brings me comfort. In fact, I explained that it was very hard for me now that a photo of my nephew is proudly displayed on her mantlepiece, but not one of Bertie (there never was).  She told me that she doesn't want to be reminded. I told her that I cannot ever forget. By never mentioning his name, by not displaying his photo, I am not going to feel better about his death.  I am not going to forget for a second. 

I have just finished making his third birthday gift, ready to take to his forever bed in a few weeks. She doesn't know I do this each year and would probably worry about me if she did know. She would see this as torturing myself, making it worse for myself.  I don't, I really don't.  It brings me comfort to do things for him. Sure, it crosses my mind that I could have been making a "3" birthday cake instead of a grave decoration, and yes, of course that's a painful thought...but, not doing anything at all for him is not going to make that thought disappear. Rather, having a little project to do fills the  painful days in the run up to his birthday.  Buying things for him does nothing for me. I know a lot of bereaved parents find comfort in buying toys etc to take to their baby's forever bed. Not me, I know he does not need toys and buying them just feels odd. But making something at least gives me a chance to be a mum in a small way.  A chance to show my love for my son.



Having his photos on display, well, I know that's a contentious issue. Most bereaved parents I know choose to display them, or would dearly love to but feel they can't for fear of judgement.   I am "lucky". I have photos of my son alive, and those are the ones I have on my wall. I don't see it as any different to my brother in law and his wife proudly displaying photos of their son all over their lounge. It's no different to any parent. Yet, my mother in law thinks it is strange to display photos of someone who had died. As do lots of people.   I told her you wouldn't take a photo down of a parent or sibling after they die and she said no, but....(but what, exactly? What is the difference??) 

I wonder what you all think about this? Do you think it is strange, or right, or even acceptable, to have photos on the wall of a baby who has died? Do you think it is weird to try and create new images, by writing his name in the sand for instance? Do you think I make it worse for myself by making gifts for him? I'm asking purely because I am curious.  I won't be offended (but I will remove any comments I think are impolite) and I know that everyone has to grieve in their own way.  I am just interested to know how my own variety of grief looks through the eyes of people who aren't related to me, especially those who have not been through a loss like this. Please feel free to leave a comment, anonymously if you wish.

Wednesday 6 August 2014

The promise of new life

I have been feeling pretty glum today, and was fully intending to write about that.  How after almost three years, the only identities I see for myself are childless mother and now, barren wife. How Bertie's third birthday is fast approaching and I can feel myself slipping back into grief over another milestine he will never see. I still feel those things, but, they are no longer the things I want to write about.

I've just been for a run (amazing how much that helps-those endorphines they talk about really do exist apparently!) and decided to water the garden when I got back.  What I saw took my breath away for a moment.  New life, everywhere! Bertie's rose has five buds, and they are buldging, ready to burst out early, before the spring, before their time- a bit like him. My honeysuckle has a beautiful show of bright red berries, and also some tiny buds just forming. Even the basil has sprouted flowers! Its amazing, and beautiful, when  you really look. I mean, really. Stop, and look. Take it in, take a photo. God's work. I plant them, He makes them grow. And why should it be any different with my children? My rainbow will come. I just need to wait for His timing.