"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday 28 December 2012

So Christmas was......ok!

So that's it done for another year. Last year was tough, really tough, and afterwards I was just glad to have survived. This year was actually ok...enjoyable in a lot of ways.  Still hard, Christmas always will be hard without my son to enjoy it with, but this year I was able to smile and enjoy being with the rest of my family.

My biggest fear was that he would be left out, ignored, not mentioned, swept under the carpet...the elephant in the room. He wasn't at all. We talked about him lots, what he'd be up to now, what we have learned from him, his legacy of a knitting mummy and aunty! The new friends we have because of him, and all the blessings we do have.  His aunty had made us a beautiful angel tree decoration, which was proudly displayed along with his soldier and train decorations, and his lit candle flickered and danced while we ate dinner.   He was still very much a part of our day and I am very grateful for that.

I also felt better in myself than I have for a while. I'd been praying for peace, and I got it, just a calm feeling that he is happy and safe, and that I am going to be OK; that next year will be better, that the storm is nearly over and a rainbow is going to light up our lives soon.  I hope so, so much. Nothing and no-one will ever replace our first born, but there is such a void in our lives that only a rainbow baby can come close to filling.  I have just ordered a beautiful sculpture called "we were three" of a father, mother, and angel baby sitting together.  We were three, and being two is just not enough any more.

My new favorite quote is from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo "He sought to transform the grief which sees only a pit into the grief which sees a star" I thought that was very beautiful, and very apt. I hope this will represent me in 2013.

Saturday 22 December 2012

Due Date...a year on

I am very restless today.  I got up late, started to tidy up, made to wash the dishes, then stopped that and put a film on.  Half watching that, kettle on and started the ironing. Gave up halfway through...I've read two pages of my book...began to think...began to cry...and now I need to write.

I've been trying to keep my mind occupied, that's all it is....but failing miserably.  It's the 22nd December, shouldn't mean anything this year.  Last year, it was a major milestone, Bertie's due date. I told myself that in future years, it wouldn't be a big deal.....it isn't his birthday, very few babies come on their due date...it means nothing from 2012 onwards. Only now it is here...it does. I can't help but think about what it should have been like now.  If things had turned out right, how they were supposed to, we'd be having a first birthday this week, as well as a second christmas. It would be a huge family celebration, and he'd be the centre of attention.

Instead, I have to wear the mask and try to make it through whilst everyone around me celebrates and his name is barely mentioned, if at all in some cases.

I think for me, it is harder to accept, and ignore this date because there was no reason for him to be born so early, and there was nothing wrong with him.  If he'd gone to term, if I'd held on to him for 13 more weeks...he'd be here now, a healthy happy one year old, just learning to walk and playing with tinsel and wrapping paper and cardboard boxes.

It's brought back my guilt.  My husband is missing his son, my parents their grandchild, my sister her nephew.....because I failed him.  And my punishment will last a lifetime.  Every Christmas, forever, this feeling is going to be back, and I don't know how much more my shattered heart can take.

I've done the first Christmas, and in so many ways this year is harder...there is less acceptance of my grief, less allowances for me to not be fully involved....."come on, it's been a year, you have to live..."...Don't you understand? My grief will never be over, because my love will never be over.  And Christmas, without my son, will always be so very hard.

Sunday 16 December 2012

Daydreams

Written months ago, this is weighing heavy on my heart today



Daydreams:

Will the world ever seem beautiful again?
I wondered as I whispered your name
As I sat watching the sunset over the lake-A perfect moment if we were still three
Instead I shed a tear; it’s just daddy and me.

Wishing we could show you all the world has to explore
Such grand plans we had in store!
Every happy family I see is a stab in my heart
Instead of happy together, we’re a lifetime apart.

Imagining you as a fearless five!
Running on ahead, leaving me behind
In bright blue wellies, loving the mud
But happily, not to old for a hug

On the beach now, flying your kite
Reading you stories as I tuck you in at night
Dad with the camera, capturing your cheeky smile
Now he’s holding your hand, helping you over a stile

Down at the riverside, feeding the ducks
I wonder if you’d have liked that much.
On daddy’s shoulders, lifting you high,
Today you’re pretending to be a rocket in the sky.

Next you’re “king of the castle”, my handsome prince
I’ll tell you to come give your hands a rinse,
Because digging for worms is not hygienic
When we’re out in the woods for a teddy bears’ picnic!

The memories we’ll never make,
You and me together, baking a cake,
I can only imagine the fun we’d have had
If you could have stayed longer, my little lad.

Instead my arms are empty and cold
Without you wrapped in them to hold
It’s all just a dream, never to be real
All I have left is the pain that I feel.

The call of the birds in the morning song
Assaults my ears now that you’re gone
The sun’s warmth hidden beneath the clouds
The world holds no wonder for me now
Without you here, life seems a waste
All sweet things have a bitter taste.

You have no idea how I long to feel his weight in my arms, little arms around my neck, tiny hands in my hair. His warm cheek against mine..."I love you mummy..... I love you too baby" . We have missed out on so much together. I miss him so.....

Sunday 9 December 2012

So This is Christmas (War Isn't Over)

Well, I've done it. I've put my tree up.  This is a big step for me, last year there was no way I could do it, this year, I felt I wanted to. I thought Bertie would like to see it, plus I have a couple of ornaments for him that I wanted to hang on it.  It started well, infact the old me came out when I realised the lights were broken, so off I raced to B&Q at 10mins to closing to buy some more! (I'd got it all out, and I wanted the tree up and boxes tidied away last night)  But, as I hung the last bauble, the familiar lump rose in my throat. It's just wrong. So wrong. He isn't here to see it. I won't ever lift him up so he can put the star on top. I can't see his face full of wonder at the lights.  Christmas hurts so much. It's about the children, only mine isn't here. And it Isn't. Fair.  I wonder if Christmas will ever feel the same again. I suspect not-there will always be one missing.  

For any angel mums reading this, who are facing their first Christmas without their angel- what I will say is is is not as bad as last year. It does get "easier" to cope with it all.  The mask fits a bit better now.

I'm even going to try and go to the carol service tonight. Not sure yet if I will cope with it or not- carols always make me emotional anyway, so it has the potential to be a disaster.....! But, I am trying this year to be as "normal" as possible. What is the alternative? Hide away every Christmas for the rest of my life? I can't do that, so instead, I will try to be thankful for what I do have, hold my son close in my heart, and just let it wash over me, as best I can.

I wrote this piece last year, but I still feel it just as much today as I did then.



A Christmas Wish

If I could wish upon a star
I’d wish to know that you’re not far
I’d want to feel your angel’s kiss
If I could have just that one wish
All I want this Christmas time
Is just to know that you’re still mine
Although in Heaven, not here with me
Forever my angel, you will be
I hope you can feel it-all my love
It’s sent to you, in Heaven above 
I don’t need material things


It’s enough just to feel you, in all my dreams



Thursday 6 December 2012

Turning it around (CBT 6)

So, thankfully I seem to have somehow emerged from The Pit. I'm not quite ready to start climbing the mountain yet, but me and my older self are standing together on the edge of The Pit, and we each have a ray gun. Every time a pesky negative thought comes for us (imagine shadowy faceless apparitions floating about above The Pit) they're getting a blast of the ray guns.  In other words, I am working on turning my thoughts around to more positive mindsets. Again. Sigh.



How I really feel
How I can try and see it differently
I feel like I have achieved nothing this year, I’m just a year older and all I have to show for it is a whole load of aging, physical and mental.
I may not have achieved all I hoped for (or anything I hoped for) BUT, I have achieved SO MUCH that isn’t visible. Just by being alive, and functioning, blogging, inspiring, working, supporting, praising…..going onwards.
I hate that I have to work hard at feeling happy these days
Ahh, but remember there was a time when you didn’t have the energy to even contemplate thinking about trying to be happy. That is how far you have come.
I’m scared Bertie was my only chance at motherhood
There’s no reason to believe that, even if it isn’t happening yet, more than likely it will, eventually…..and if not, there are other paths to parenthood.  I WILL be a mum, as not being is not an option. The wait is HARD, and it feels pretty crap right now, but it will be OH so worth it, Bertie taught you that.
I feel like hurdles keep being put in our path. Ok, now I have a diagnosis, but that just means the last 10 months were a waste of time
You can’t go back and change the past…getting a diagnosis and appropriate treatment is a huge step forward.  You are so much closer to your dreams than you were before. And YOU made that happen. YOU insisted you Dr investigate and you were RIGHT about your diagnosis. You’re more in control than you think you are.
It’s nearly Christmas and I really don’t feel like celebrating. What have I got to celebrate for this year? Nothing has happened that I hoped for.
This year has been really awful, yes it has. And it’s allowed to feel angry and upset about that.  But, it’s nearly Christmas, so it’s almost over! I can start afresh and hope for a better 2013
Whenever someone announces a pregnancy now, my first thought is jealousy. My second is oh my God, I hope they don’t go through this, and my third (or fourth, fifth or beyond) may be well, that is nice news for them. 
This is normal for the new normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.  Who could really expect you to feel any different?
I hate that even if I do ever get pregnant again, I’ve lost the innocence and naivety that goes along with it. I’ll be scared the whole time. I know the worst case scenario.
I won’t be scared the whole time. I will be wiser, and I will still be on an emotional roller coaster, but every month I have to wait for my rainbow, is another month to get mentally and physically stronger to handle it.  I’ve lived the worst case scenario. And I’ve survived. What have I got to fear?
So many people in my life are pregnant, some days it just feels like there’s no escape from the constant reminders everywhere.
Well, of all the people you know who were, or are, trying for a baby, almost all of them are now pregnant….so, there won’t be too many more announcements before it’s your turn.   (OK, I realise that isn’t a particularly positive spin, but that’s the best I can do for that one-OK?)



A note to those who are closest to me: 
I know I can be difficult when I'm down in The Pit, and when people try to help me see the positives, I always have a negative response ready. I'm sorry for that.....but as a good friend pointed out to me this week, sometimes you just need someone to say, yeah, I understand why you feel so awful right now, it is really horrible.  Haven't you ever felt really low and down and been really irritated by someone trying to make light of the situation for you? I bet you have.  So please bear with me when that happens, I will start to feel better again in my own time, I always do.
 

Sunday 2 December 2012

Fear Vs Faith

Faith is believing in something in your heart that there is no tangible proof for.  As Christians, we are taught that faith cannot exist with fear, that the two are mutually exclusive. That we should give all our fears to God, and have faith that He will listen, and work to help us, in His time, in His way. Because He sees the bigger picture, He has the bigger plan. So do not be afraid! God has your back! Because, he loves us, and when you love someone, you want them to be happy, right?

But, to fear is human. Fight or flight? I am afraid. I am so afraid that I'm never going to be a mum again, I'm afraid of the journey ahead of me, whether I am, or I'm not going to make it to the destination I want to reach.  I can't trust completely in God to make it all ok, because it cannot ever be "all ok" again.....and the one thing that may make it just a little less "not ok", is not happening for us either.

Bertie should be 14 months old.  He isn't. I trusted my baby to God and he died. I've been trying for his sibling for nearly a year now, and I'm still a childless mother.  I'm still just as lost, just as confused about my future, just as unhappy, I still don't see the point or purpose in my life. Another Christmas, still the same. Not as raw, just as empty.

I wonder if this is my punishment, for no longer having complete faith? Is God telling me, you don't get your rainbow until you trust me to give them to you, until you believe I will? How can I? With every passing month, this journey is getting harder, not easier.  I find myself back at the bottom of the mountain, again, and I really don't know where I am going to find the strength to start climbing again. I'm not even sure I want to, the fall is just too painful.

I don't want to live the life I'm strong enough for, as so many people have told me I am. I want to live a life as an Earth mum, and have half a chance at some happiness. If I can't have that, then, I don't want to live this life at all.

Friday 16 November 2012

Over to you.....

The title explains it! This post is a space for the people who know me, to write about their feelings about Robert's death.  It can be anything really- how his loss has affected you, how you feel I have changed since it happened, how my relationship with you may have changed, what you have learned from my journey...anything you want, good or bad.

Anything you feel is on your heart to say, feel free. Email it to me and I will copy it here. I won't censor or edit anything anyone says, and will post things anonymously if you prefer.

I was a bit nervous about trying this, but a friend of mine is doing it and has encouraged me to give it a go....could be very interesting.

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I am a recent friend of Sarah's. I can't comment on how Sarah has changed since the tragic loss of her son, but I can speak about how Sarah has helped me,and how much I value her.
I met Sarah on a grief forum, I didn't know who she was, I had only just lost my 3 ½ month old son. I stumbled over some poetry, it spoke to me, it touched my heart. The words in the poems were words that I could have written myself, and sometimes was writing myself. I messaged this mum and asked if I could share her poetry alongside my own on my journal. She agreed.
Since that day I learned more about this Mummy, who despite losing her son, has an ability to throw sense into a situation, and sometimes clarity into a really foggy day.
I feel over the last 7 months that I have come to know Sarah very well, and making a judgement I would assume that she has always been level headed, sensible thinking, have a positive outlook and a caring friend. Although at times I feel Sarah struggles to see this, she still is all of these things, and I am grateful for her.
I feel I have come to know her son, who I only recently saw a photograph of, and he touched my heart to the core, he is beautiful. It is heinous that in this day and age any mummy should be without her child. But much worse when that child is so wanted, so loved, and so missed.

Sarah has been a tower of support to me on days where I have fallen apart and see very little in my life that is worth living for. Sarah touches my heart and soul with her words that she writes, and because I am on a similar path as Sarah I feel that we are friends in life, not just in a computer world. I hope I offer Sarah the same level of friendship and compassion, as she always show to me and others.
Since our friendship started we have shared projects together, we together shared an idea to switch angels gifts with angel parents and family members at Christmas, we have read and commented on each others blogs, and understand that this is where we get a glimpse of each other's souls and what makes us who we are. We have laughed together, we have cried together, we have been angry together.

I am proud to have Sarah as my friend, I am proud that against every ache in her heart she keeps walking, and will keep walking until she finds her light,
I can't have more children naturally, but that doesn't mean I don't wish it for others, and if I am allowed to pass on my hope and dream of motherhood as a gift to another, then I would give this present to Sarah. Because she so deserves it. Sarah won't be a fantastic mother one day, she is a fantastic mother already.
Thank you for your friendship Sarah. I'd be lost without you.

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When I first heard your sad news about Bertie, other than the sadness I thought that, knowing the strong, practical person you are, that you'd be someone who could get through this awful life experience. But every time I think that thought, I think how damn unfair it is - do you have to be a good person for the bad things to happen? Is that how life works? That the bad things are dealt to the ones that are strong enough to cope with them?
I also commend how brave you are sharing your journey on facebook and in your blog. Remotely, I'm walking this journey with you, along with many of your friends, I just hope its not too remote to help carry just a fraction of the heaviness you bear. I'm at the tantrum throwing phase for you at the moment, I just want to stamp my foot and shout "it's not fair" with my bottom lip stuck out.


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Where to begin? well here goes.
 
Sarah it has been a pleasure to know you and Mark over the years right back to when you were at Bishop with Carolyn.
Then you and Mark attending our wedding and us being there with you sharing your day.
When you told us that you were expecting Robert we were both over the moon for you and Mark I thought that it could not have happened a nicer couple.
Then when we met up at Irchester country park with you,Mark and the family we had such wonderful time you looked well and the both of you were looking forward about becoming parents,then we went our separate ways.
 
Then one day after coming home from work we had the devestating telephone call saying that you and Robert were in hospital over the next few days you were in our prayers every day.Alice and William prayed for you everyday even at church when we had an open prayer Alice when to the front of church and asked them to pray for the three of you..
Then we had the devastating news about Robert,I don't cry that often but when I found out I did.
I would have love to have met Robert he would have been a credit to you and Mark and I look forward to meeting him in Heaven when I get there.
 
Sarah you are one of the strongest people I know you may not feel it but  please believe me you are.
I can never understand how you have felt over the last year but reading your blog has given me understanding into your
feelings,what you and Mark have had  to deal with is unfair,unjust and just wrong.
 
I am sorry if I have made you cry whilst reading this and I am proud to have you and Mark as good friends.

How am I.....I mean, really?

I've been asked this twice this week, "How are you Sarah? I mean, how are you really?" It's not a good question, it's a great question! It tells me that you really want to know, you don't want to just hear the automatic "I'm ok"...you want me to remove the mask and talk to you. Problem is, right now, I don't really know how to answer it.

I would not say that I am clinically depressed any longer, I mean, if I were to sit and fill in a depression questionnaire right now, I would score OK.  I take care of my appearance (when it matters), I enjoy doing the things I used to, I even have some new interests which I love. I am interested in other peoples' lives, and the news.  I am busy and always doing things, I don't want to hide in bed all day every day.  But.  It's an empty life. Busy, but empty. I am here, and engaged in what I am doing, mostly....but part of me is elsewhere all the time.  I'm in limbo, somewhere between existing and living.  I am not happy, I am not content, I'm getting by.

I've been camping on the edge of The Pit these past few days, and it's not a nice place to be.  Today, I feel ready to begin the climb up the mountain again. It's very tiring though, to keep starting that climb over and over, and at some point, slipping back down, or getting knocked back down, somehow finding myself back staring into the abyss of The Pit.  14 months on, there are days where it feels like I haven't made any progress at all.   I have, of course, I never get back as far as the tar, I always stop at the ledge, if I do fall in....but it feels like a never ending journey.  Will I ever reach the top of the mountain and just stay there? Can I even be bothered to keep trying?

Last night, I offered a prayer of thanks that my heart felt a little lighter. That is what I felt grateful for.  That, and the fact that someone else's good news didn't knock me down this time, that I was able to just feel joy for the person concerned. That's a very humbling experience, that being "fine" is what you are thankful for, even when fine doesn't mean the same as it used to.

There has to be more, right? There has to be something waiting for me at the top of the mountain? Something willing me to keep trying to reach the summit, or what's the point of even trying?  It's really hard work you know, continually working at being fine, continually working at standing up, walking away from the edge and beginning the climb again.  I used to be a strong believer in positive thinking, and I am still attempting to stick with that, with my meditation and CBT techniques, but it's hard work, I can tell you.  Sometimes, we all just need something good to happen, to give us the boost we need to continue to hope and feel positive. Otherwise, it's just false, empty, meaningless.

Positive mental attitude. Who am I trying to convince? Myself, or everyone around me?

Saturday 10 November 2012

A Childless Mother

A Childless Mother

A childless mother wanders alone,
In the silence around her, her thoughts start to roam
Christmas is coming, his second in Heaven
Will I feel any better when it's five, when it's seven?
This childless mother won't hide gifts in her shed,
She'll just take flowers up to his forever bed.

A childless mother, what use is she now?
She must pick up the pieces, carry on somehow.
She's come so far, yet she's back at the start,
Her world is still shattered, and so is her heart.

A childless mother, still feeling despair
Must keep going, hoping to "get there"
Scared for the future, clinging to hope
Still finding her way, struggling to cope.

A childless mother wipes tears from her eyes,
Outside she's smiling, but inside she dies.

Friday 9 November 2012

So many emotions...none of them good.

Life feels very unfair right now. You'd think that losing Bertie would be enough for one family really, surely I've had my bad luck, now it's time for my happy ending. No, now I have to face fertility problems too....14 months on, no happy ending for us yet, we must keep going, ploughing on through the frustration and anguish, trying to keep hope going, but getting tired, oh so tired of it all.

We are approaching another Christmas.  It's not as bad as last year, of course, but it is hard none the less. I suppose every Christmas will be hard...but one of the things I kept telling myself to get through last year was, well, maybe by next year, you'll be expecting your rainbow. Well, here we are, and I am not.   How much more? Another Christmas? Another mothers' day? Another birthday? Another week? I wish I knew.  

I feel so broken, and useless.  My body is betraying me all over again.

I must sound so childish, moody, I'm not. I'm a sad, frustrated, grieving, childless mother who has no control over her future hopes and aspirations. It isn't a fun place to be.

Oh my creator- why give me a heart full of love, and a desire to be a mother, and a body that can't do it? Why bless me with friends who understand, who have been through what I have, then torment me as one by one they get their dream and I'm left behind?  I just don't understand.

Friday 2 November 2012

Rational mind: meet compassionate self (CBT 5)

My next exercise is to try to build up to changing my negative/depressive thoughts to more helpful ones.  Anyone who has suffered depression will know that when you're feeling low/worried about the future/fixated on a problem or loss, it really isn't all that helpful for someone to say "look for the positives" or "it isn't as bad as you think"....you rational mind knows that full well, thank you, but it isn't as easy as just telling yourself to think differently- that doesn't work.

So, the trick I am learning is to have a conversation with my compassionate self- that older, wiser me.  She represents my rational mind talking back at me, but in an understanding, compassionate way. She knows why I feel the way I do, and reassures me that it is understandable...but then she helps me look at it in a different way- as I would if I were talking to a friend.

Good practice today.  I think this will only work if I continue to practice it, but so far, so good.

Friday 26 October 2012

Meeting myself on Grief Mountain (CBT 4)

This afternoon I went back to my mountain top, before long Bertie came to meet me, as he often does if I relax deep enough. This time, he was very excited and wanted me to go with him for a walk.  Off we went, and we met me, the older, compassionate me who I'd decided I wasn't ready to meet there yet. Well, there she was, like it or not.  She's about ten years older, still wearing my footprint necklace, smiling.  We chat a bit, she tells me that I won't feel this way forever, that I am going to be happy again.  I should stop questioning myself, and allow myself to feel the grief.  My feelings are understandable, inevitable, allowed.  Just go with it, it will get better.  She tells me there are three more babies to come, a boy and two girls. She tells me their names......shall we go and see?

......we walk for a while and a cottage appears.  By the front door, waiting and smiling, are my husband and the three children. The boy is about 10, the girls, about 7 and 5....the older me goes to join them, they all look so happy, Bertie flies around them, they see him, wave, smile.  We all go inside, and she tells me that he still sends them signs, all the kids have gotten to know him.  The youngest girl, in particular, loves planting pansies at his forever bed with grandma.  We chat a little more, then I just watch them together, the kids playing, she's laughing, that carefree laugh I thought I'd never laugh again....

Time to go, she reminds me, it's ok to feel the way I feel right now, it will pass, just accept it, go with it, and find peace in the certainty of the happiness to come........

Thanks Bertie, for showing me <3

Tuesday 23 October 2012

Questions

Will I ever feel peace?
Will ok ever really mean OK?
Will my mood ever stay stable for more than a day?
Will my inner turmoil ever end?
Will I ever stop feeling tormented at every turn?
Do I need to just pull myself together?
Do I need to be less hard on myself?
Am I really as strong as people think?
....or have I become a good actress?
Will I ever learn not to compare myself to others?
Will I ever feel content?
Should I just rememebr to count my blessings?
Do I focus too much on the negative?
Should I strive to be more optimistic again?
Am I making this worse for myself, by focussing on it all the time?
Why is my faith more challenged now, than it was right after?
Why am I still finding life so hard?
Why do I find it so easy to write, yet so hard to talk?
Will I ever stop existing, and really start living?
Am I just a shell of who I once was?
If I just keep smiling, will it reach my eyes eventually?
Will "one day" ever arrive?
Can I ever really trust that there is a plan?
Can I ever accept there was a reason?
Could you have prevented this?
Are you a few steps ahead, if only I trust you?
Are you carrying me, dragging me, or have you abandoned me?
ARE YOU LISTENING?
If you are listening....why don't you answer?

Friday 19 October 2012

Angel Secret Santa

So, this one is for angel parents!

My good friend Helen and I have come up with an idea which we want to share with as many babylost parents as possible....and we hope you all think it's a good one! We know that Christmas is a difficult time for bereaved parents, particularly the first year, and the build up can be just as hard- whilst everyone else is getting excited, you just want it all to go away.  So, we hope we have found a way to spread a little happiness in this difficult few weeks ahead.

What we want to set up is an "angel secret santa".  The idea is that everyone taking part makes an angel babe of some sort, and we all swap!

The rules:
1. It has to be home made
2. It has to be an angel/cherub

That's it! You can choose whatever method you like to do it, knitting, sewing, plaster mould.....use your imagination, it's limitless....but NO CHEATING! It doesn't have to be flawless, it just has to be made with love.

If you'd like to take part, please get in touch with your name, address, and your angel's name, and we will match everyone up into pairs.  If you don't have contact details for me via facebook or email, then you can PM me on SANDS (berties_mum) or leave a comment here with your email and I'll get in touch with you.



Haydon







                                                            

Bertie

 

 

 

 Petroc

 Emily

 Haydon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jamie

 Oliver

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 Haydon


  Tommy

Edward

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Bertie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Haydon

  Mia