"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 25 January 2013

A mother born in vain

16 months ago, another mother was born in vain. This is it. This explains it.....I am not just grieving my lost son. I am not just trying for a baby. I. am. a. mother. In vain. In my heart. I know what it is to be a mother. To love your child, the most precious thing you will ever hold.  And I lost it.  I lost him. And now....now here I am, 16 months on, still trying desperately to get that thing back.....motherhood. I have a heart full of love for my baby and no baby to give it to. What's the point of being a warrior mum with nothing to protect? I ask again, what purpose my life now?

Once you've had it, there's no looking back.  In the words of Gemma Hayes' song, Oliver,  "I look the same, but I'm a little different now" I'm a mother. Not just a wife. Only, I am...just a wife.

There's no, "make the most of the two of you" there's no "Oh, well, it means we get another holiday"...there's no comfort in "well, you can have one of mine, I need a break" or "you're still young, you've got time" Or "it will happen when the time is right"....The time was right 16 months ago. The time is right NOW. I am a mother. I need to be a mother again.  We were three. We were Team Townend. Two just isn't enough any more. We were three. We should still be three. There should not be wings on my baby's back.


  1. My baby boy's funeral is next week and I'm trying to gather sentences that make sense because I need to say something. I'll be the only one speaking at the funeral. We have gone from four to three. Can I borrow your line " I have a heart full of love for my baby and no baby to give it to"? Thank you for your blog.

    1. I am so sorry for your recent loss. The pain I know you are feeling right now is just unbearable. I think you are so incredibly brave to speak at your son's funeral, I couldn't do that. Of course you may take anything from here that you feel is appropriate, I am glad I could help you, but sorry you needed me to.