"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Monday, 5 September 2016

Milestones and memories

Bertie would've started school this week.  Tomorrow to be exact.  It's the biggest milestone we've hit for a while.  I naively thought that having Oliver would distract me enough that somehow I wouldn't notice it.  How ridiculous!  How many times have I told people that a new baby doesn't make it ok that you lost one?  Maybe I was more hopeful than naive.   Anyway it has hit me hard and made me miss my biggest yet littlest boy all the more as I wonder which school would we have picked? What would his uniform be like? Grey trousers, white polo shirt, red/blue/green jumper?  Where would we take the obligatory "first day" photo? (today and tomorrow are days to avoid social media I think...) I wonder if I would be spending tonight calming nerves or calming excitement?  Would he come back full of beans telling me all about the other kids and how he has told them all about his baby brother already? Would he like his teacher? What would he be best at? Where would he need a little help? Perhaps he would be a bit shy? I don't think so, I imagine him to be quite boisterous and cheeky.

Thoughts that will never resolve, questions I'll never know the answer to.  I miss him so much.

Unfortunately it has coincided with my husband having to go back to work today after his paternity leave.  So I'm here on my own with Oliver and terrified something will go wrong on my watch. Again, memories intrude from the last time he had to return to work after our baby's birth. Then I was scared to be left alone without our baby, this time I am scared to be alone with the baby.  I need to start trusting myself that I can do this.  I am slowly learning to trust my body again after it brought Oliver to life and home, now I need to learn to trust my instincts and abilities as a mum to a living child. Five years on, I am still discovering the ripples caused throughout our lives by Bertie's death.

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