"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Monday, 13 March 2017

To finish.

I haven't posted in a while. Four months to be exact. A combination of life getting in the way, and a lack of new things to say I suppose. Well, I have had things I have wanted to say here and there, and that is why I have kept the blog open. But guess I have come to the point of realising that there is nothing new left to say, and that there will always be moments that catch my breath. Every time I kiss Oliver goodnight, I will have flashbacks of kissing Bertie goodbye. Do I need to say so in a post every time? No. Not anymore.  Now I let the tears form, blink them away, deep breath, tell them both I love them and carry on.

One thing left to tell you, to finish the story on a nice note. We had Oliver christened two weeks ago. It was a wonderful, celebratory day! He did not even cry, we couldn't believe it! I did though! A mix of wonderment and releif, and gratitude at finally being stood around a font with my baby in my arms. And also sadness at the contrast between that day and Bertie's hurried "you had better do it now if you want it done" christening.

I do not want Oliver's life to be lived in his brother's shadow. I do not want him to be defined by his "rainbow baby" status. That is an incredibly special and wonderful thing to be, but it isn't all he is. He is so much more than his little big brother's big little brother. At the same time, I dont want Bertie to be lost and forgotten in all of Oliver's big moments. It does, and I guess always will, hurt every time we celebrate a milestone with Oliver. I still feel a twinge of guilt for each thing we do with and for him that we cannot do with and for Bertie. It is a tough balance. How on Earth do you treat two children equally when one is in Heaven? I guess that is the answer, you don't do it on Earth, because you can't. Oliver gets all of me now. And assuming things will happen in their natural order this time, Bertie will get all of me when I join him. I wonder who will greet me first? Bertie or the Lord? I like to think Bertie will meet me at the gates, and take me to Him.  A long time from now, but no time at all in eternity.  And eventually, the brothers will meet and won't that be something?

Apologies, I said I was going to end happily! To me, that is a happy thought! So here ends this blog. I hope it has served a purpose beyond helping me get my thoughts out of my head.  I hope it has helped someone in a similar situation. I am thinking of writing my story as a book. I don't know if I ever will.  I question myself on what my motivation to do it is? Is it to help others in the same boat, or is it just a self indulgent, narcissistic exercise in writing about myself? Is there a need? I know my story is not a unique one, yet I have struggled to find a book that really covers it. We'll see. Perhaps I will write it and never have it published.

For now, goodbye. And thanks for listening.

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