"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 9 November 2012

So many emotions...none of them good.

Life feels very unfair right now. You'd think that losing Bertie would be enough for one family really, surely I've had my bad luck, now it's time for my happy ending. No, now I have to face fertility problems too....14 months on, no happy ending for us yet, we must keep going, ploughing on through the frustration and anguish, trying to keep hope going, but getting tired, oh so tired of it all.

We are approaching another Christmas.  It's not as bad as last year, of course, but it is hard none the less. I suppose every Christmas will be hard...but one of the things I kept telling myself to get through last year was, well, maybe by next year, you'll be expecting your rainbow. Well, here we are, and I am not.   How much more? Another Christmas? Another mothers' day? Another birthday? Another week? I wish I knew.  

I feel so broken, and useless.  My body is betraying me all over again.

I must sound so childish, moody, I'm not. I'm a sad, frustrated, grieving, childless mother who has no control over her future hopes and aspirations. It isn't a fun place to be.

Oh my creator- why give me a heart full of love, and a desire to be a mother, and a body that can't do it? Why bless me with friends who understand, who have been through what I have, then torment me as one by one they get their dream and I'm left behind?  I just don't understand.

1 comment:

  1. some of us won't get our dream of motherhood, but I continue to understand and wish it for you xxxxxx I hope it's soon, I hope it happens quickly, and I hope it will be your happy ever after because you so deserve it xxx I'm proud of you for writing this and being so honest xxxx