A couple of nights ago I sat on my bed and looked at the moses basket, sitting there expectantly waiting for the baby that is coming very soon, and it hit me- this baby really is coming home, very soon! It brought a tear to my eye. It was, perhaps, the first moment that I fully allowed myself to believe that it is true. That this little rainbow is actually going to make it. That we aren't about to start again on the journey of grief. A mix of joy...and sadness. Of pleasure and pain. A new life but one still lost. It is just a moses basket. But it is so much more. It's a hand-me-down that has never been used. It is full of expectation both unfulfilled and renewed.
So here we are at 34+4! Can you believe that I will reach early term (37 weeks) in just two weeks and three days? I can't. It is a miracle I credit and thank God for. I know that not all of my readers share my beliefs, but honestly, can you explain it any other way? OK, I have been on bed rest, but, let's not forget I had less than 1cm of cervix at 26 weeks, and had been losing 1cm every 2-3 weeks! None of my caregivers thought I would get this far, nor did I. We have all run out of adjectives to describe how amazing it is, and all I have left is "Miraculous". Nothing is impossible with God. Science gets you so far, then there's God.
Do you remember the scripture I came across in my first week in hospital? When I felt like I was in prison?
Well, it has proved true, hasn't it? I didn't give up, and my work HAS been rewarded, almost. I feel very "lucky" compared to many friends who lost their babies at full term. At least for me I can enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy knowing I am past my danger zone, rather than getting increasingly scared up to my due date. Of course I take nothing for granted. I know too much for that and am fully aware than nothing is guaranteed, even now. But, I do believe it's going to be OK. And since I will not be allowed to go overdue, the longest we will have to wait to hold our precious bundle is just 5 1/2 weeks, probably less.
Now we are here, I really think we are going to make term. I have finally stopped stockpiling size zero nappies and knitting tiny outfits, next week I will re-pack the hospital bag to be prepared for a term sized baby. At our growth scan on Friday, Grub was estimated at 4lb 14oz! So almost too big for the "tiny baby" babygrows I bought already! I've knitted a newborn sized hat and today will start the matching cardigan. (It is a girl design, I couldn't resist how cute it was! Plus I still think Grub is a girl. Maybe next week I'll do a boy one just in case) And they are for MY baby, not a gift! Wow.
The pram is here, the nursery is done. Rainbow themed, naturally. It is bright and happy and beautiful. Again it is bittersweet to finish it, when Bertie's never got finished. We have kept a couple of things from his Pooh bear theme, plus his Oglet toy to share with his baby sibling. It felt good, and sad, to finally take them out of the drawers. I am glad we moved house. I think to re-do the same room would have been too difficult.
So now, we wait. We are as prepared as we can be. We've watched hilarious birth class DVDs (having missed our antenatal classes with me being admitted), read my pregnancy book, bought everything we can think of that we may need in the first week, and restrained ourselves from buying the rest.
And breathe, and wait.