It's been a tough few days. I've been really down. Doubtful. Will God ever grant my heart's desire? Thinking He isn't going to. After all I've been through, will it still be NO? Call me Thomas. Starting to think about adoption. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give up on my dream. Of birthing, holding, feeding my newborn. Of redemption. Will there be a rainbow for me? I just don't know anymore.
Adoption is a wonderful, wonderful thing. But it isn't redemption. It isn't, yes, I CAN do this. It isn't the rush of love in holding my own flesh and blood. But it IS love. A different love. A coming to love. It's a long journey of its own, after the long journey we have already walked. Nay, crawled.
Turmoil in my mind. A nephew due in four weeks. Wanting to be happy for them. Wanting to be excited at the prospect. Actually being numb. Looking at photos of someone else's little blue babygrows drying after the first wash in readiness. Memories of doing that. The excitement, the readiness....will I ever need to "be ready" again?
Prayer. Thoughts on prayer, working on prayer. Prayers. For peace. For not doubting. For trust. HELP ME!!! please?
Then this afternoon, at 2.10pm. It hit me like a wave. Not grief, peace. I felt it wash over and through me. I physically relaxed. I thought- wow! This is peace. It is OK. What a gift. A moment. A lifting, an embracing, an answer to prayer.
A mixture of two verses entered my head:
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.
Nothing is impossible for Him.