An up and down time. Again. More down than up, if I'm honest, but trying to tread water so to speak. Not down in The Pit, thank heavens, but pretty low none the less. Frustrated. Time spent researching the next step, because this one apparently didn't work, again. Time spent reading scripture, and making myself encouragement cards, pinning them up on the kitchen wall... reading them every day and feeling, "yeah, you say that, but..."
It's tough. I know it's not meant to be easy. He said "take up your cross and follow me" He didn't say- "this way to an easy life"....but really, this hard? This much hurt? For this long?
The trade off is growth. Spiritual development, closer relationship with Him. I know that, yep that has happened, but it has come with a price. A price of anger, dissatisfaction, questioning. Why am I being tested so much? Why is it no to me but yes to everyone else?
There are many blessings. Many, many blessings, and I thank Him for them every day. I've listed them in this space, more than once, and the list gets longer. And yet it all feels so empty. I stand and look out over my garden, that garden I love so much, and I see him, my boy- nearly three, running, playing, laughing. And I break a little bit more inside.
I picture siblings, aged about five, the best age there is. I see football with daddy and picnics and camping...hope, then poof! An empty garden and the tears come. They aren't there. Will they ever be?
I stand in the smallest room, complete yet empty. The room with no purpose but so much potential. So much love. And I sigh. And I cry. And I pick up my knitting for someone else's baby.
A question: What is the good of the strongest mother heart, in a broken body that can't do it's part?