"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 18 September 2015

And now you are(n't) four

September 18th. Your fourth birthday. It's 8am, I've slept horribly and already shed a tear. But, I don't feel so very sad as I have before, in previous years. And that's ok. I miss you, I miss you terribly, horribly, fiercely, beautifully. I love you even more than that. But I am now able to hold all those feelings and treasure them and treasure you and cope with the cocktail of emotions and stay upright. That's time. That's progress. That's healing, in a way.  It isn't moving on, or getting over, or forgetting.

It is loving myself as I continue to love you. It is being the parent I want to show you I could have been.

I am wondering what you are up to. What you look like now. That's tough, the not knowing. The looking at four year old boys and wondering.... That brings a tear as I type it. Are you four? Are you growing up in Heaven? Or are you still a tiny baby? I think you must be four. That makes more sense to me. But then I don't know.  I know you have your perfect body, you are not hurting or broken or damaged.  You were always perfect to me here on Earth, of course, but now I know you are truly perfect. No pain, no loss, no sorrow, no tears. How wonderful! Some days, I just can't wait to join you there.   But differently. Before, it was because I didn't want to live this life without you. Now, it is simply because I can't wait to hold you again and be perfect too. There is a difference.

Do you run and play? Will you laugh and dance as I light a candle for you tonight? Are you glad that we came back to Italy for these days? Strange how it helps me to be here. Memories of our perfect holiday with you, dreams of the future and buying your life album. Of course it was finished far too soon, but now it's a treasure we keep of you, for you. Opened less often now but there all the same.  Instead we make new memories with you, the years passing without you here physically but moments, memories, inclusions of you, whispers at your forever bed, making the sun shine and the chimes chime, saying hi mum and dad, I love you both.

Will you catch the kiss I blow to you from the shores of lake Como? Will you show me a sign you are here? Yes, I do believe you will.

I love you. That is all.

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