"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday, 16 April 2016

*THE FEAR* has set in

Yesterday we had Grub's anomaly scan. Lovely, 30 mins of looking in detail at our baby...who turns out to be perfect, as far as a scan can tell hurrah! So we head through to fetal medicine unit for my serial cervical length scan on cloud nine.

"I just need to check what your length was last time...I can't quite remember....," trills the lovely nurse. Oh crap. It's short then....trills my now overworking mind.  Yep. Turns out it has changed from 4.5cm at 15 weeks to 3.3cm now at 19+2.  She took great pains to reassure me that this is still within normal limits, and the cervix is not funnelling etc. OK, fine. But a 1.2cm drop in 3 weeks? Not good is it? She chatted with consultant who wants it repeated in 2 weeks. OK, seems sensible, we'll see if it is on a downward trajectory, or if its just going to stay at 3cm.

Left feeling fine and rational. But overnight I've managed to work myself into a bit of a panic. I'm scared. What happens if it thins out more? There's a little graph in my notes, to plot the lengths at each scan, and if it carrys on at this rate guess what? I'm headed right for preterm labour at 26 weeks. Oh no. No no no no. Please no.

baby is fine...baby is fine...baby is fine.....but my body isn't. What if I let us all down again?

I guess this is it now. Abject fear until I (hopefully) reach 35 weeks when my fear of pre-term labour will give way to my fear of stillbirth. Marvellous.

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