"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Middle trimester musings

I'm 17 weeks today! How did that happen? In all honesty I never thought we'd get this far, and I'm relieved and glad to say we have.  It's going very quickly. I thought this would be the longest 9 months of my life, but so far it has gone by in a flash.  That's great, and not-so-great at the same time. Whilst I want to fast forward to the day we bring home our healthy rainbow baby, I also want time to stop so that I can stay being pregnant for as long as possible. Because, whilst I am pregnant, the baby is alive, and we are happy. 

I am handling this pregnancy much better that I expected though, psychologically I mean. I have only had the one major meltdown as I recorded here, and two dreams about losing the baby. I think that's pretty impressive for 17 weeks! It has of course entered my mind that if things go the same way as last time, I only have 9 weeks left. That is a really scary thought and not one I am letting myself dwell on.  Truthfully, I am not living every day in fear of losing the baby, but at the same time, I am unable, so far, so see a day where we actually bring a baby home. I guess I have finally mastered the art of living in the moment- for self preservation if nothing else. I am still taking it a week, even a day at a time and living by my mindset of right now, everything is OK. 

We just spent an amazing week in Iceland, made all the more special by Grub giving me a good kick for the first time on Easter Saturday.  That evening, we got our first real sight of the northern lights too.  Eskimos in Greenland used to believe that the lights were the spirits of dead infants who were dancing in happiness in heaven.  I like that a lot.  I felt so close to both of my babies that day.  We also managed to find and buy Grub's life album.  It is a beautiful blank album which we will fill with memories of Grub's life.  We did the same foe Bertie- his was bought on holiday in Italy when I was pregnant with him, so it is super special that we found one in Iceland for his little sibling.  That is the first thing we have bought for this baby so far. I have just felt no desire at all to buy anything, which is a total contrast to last time, when I had bought the whole of Mothercare by 20 weeks! It isn't just that we already have most things we need, still unused and pristine.  It's that I just don't want to buy it. Maybe it's the self preservation thing again.  Buying the life album felt OK, because I know that will be used no matter what happens.  Bertie's is a record of my pregnacy and his short life, and whilst of course we hope and pray daily that this time the album will be a lot fuller, it still felt OK to buy it as I know no matter what, it will be used and cherished forever.

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