"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 3 July 2016

The Chronicles of bed rest:Day 44

30+4 guys! So great! We are four weeks further along than Bertie. Now that my gestation begins with a 3, I am so much more relaxed. We have even started researching prams! I'm daydreaming about christenings instead of funerals and just did a big online shop in Mothercare sale.....in short the pregnancy feels almost normal now.

But, now that I have stopped worrying about Grub, it has given me the head space to think about Bertie. Now we know why he came too soon, and we also know that he most likely would have been OK had we known, had I done bed rest.  It's a weird one. In some ways it helps to know it was nothing I did wrong, and it means the problem can be managed in this and any possible future pregnancies should we be blessed again. But on the other hand it hurts to know that it wasn't "not meant to be" (not that I ever believed that), that he would have been ok, should have been Ok. I know there's no point playing the what if game, because nobody wins...but the thought is there. I also think about how he would be as a big brother, whether he'd be hoping for a brother or a sister. Definitely a brother I think. Girls smell when you're nearly five! It hurts that we won't get the sibling photo.

This morning we went to look at SCBU here. I was a bit apprehensive, afraid it would bring up difficult memories. It didn't. Infact I am glad we did it, as actually it was a lot less "medicalised" than I was envisaging, particularly in the lower dependency nurserys that Grub would be into now.  We have also learned that if I can get to 34 weeks, then depending on the condition of the baby, there's a chance we will be able to stay together in "transitional care" here on the post natal ward, rather than being separated with Grub in SCBU and me discharged home. That would be so wonderful! Basically it's if the baby is able to breathe and feed with little/no support but does require monitoring and possibly some minor interventions. The neonatal team would visit us daily and the midwives would support breastfeeding. It would mean me being admitted again but who cares? We'd be together which is what I so desperately want.

So forget 32 weeks, the goalposts have been moved again. I am now praying to make 34. I'm just three days off 31 so it feels doable. I just have to behave once I get home and not start walking about too much! I have a huge incentive now, we can do this! 

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