I am changed.

The last few weeks I've been thinking about how much I have changed since having and losing Robert.  I am a totally different person in so many ways, yet still me somehow.  A new version of me.  In some ways I have changed for the better, and I like to think of those things as his legacy. In other ways, the changes are not so positive.   I am less decisive, I have lost confidence in my decisions, I question everything I think, do and believe in.  My personality has become a series of contradictions as the old me fights with the new me and I try to find my place in this new world where bad things happen to good people who don't deserve it.  This horrible new world where my baby can die. This world where despite the fact that I would labour for 23 hours out of every day just so I could hold him for the last hour, there is nothing I can do to bring him back.  How could I possibly be the same as I was? Of course I have changed.  Who we are is made up of all we have experienced; it would be impossible to come through something like this and not be changed fundamentally. These two pieces sum it all up, the good and the bad changes.  His Legacy was written a few months ago, Contradctions, just today. I guess they reflect how I feel I have taken a few steps back, looking at how much more positive my writing was in January compared to today. 

His Legacy

There are some small gains from life's harshest of lessons,

I've grown in wisdom, as well as compassion.

I've learned the importance of family, who counts in a crisis

And that having loved ones around you is what's truly priceless.

He taught me what it means to be a mum,

He may be an angel, but I have a son!

I know the joy of creating new life,

But also the crushing pain of saying goodbye.

He's inspired my writing, an outlet for my grief,

Perhaps to bring another broken hearted mummy relief.

old friendships developed, others newly formed,

None of that would be if he'd never been born.

Instead of broken, my faith has deepened

My marriage is now stronger, rather than weakened.

And whilst none of these things could make up for his loss,

He's also shown me that I have the strength to bear this cross.

For Robert, 29th January 2012

Contradictions

I am sadder, yet I have more friends than ever before

I have lost myself, yet I am finding the new me

I have lost my zest for life, yet I want to find it again

I am less ambitious, yet I feel more than ever the need to prove my worth

I have cried more tears in 9 months than 29 years, yet I can still laugh

I am fatalistic and I just don't care, yet I question every decision I make

I am not afraid to die, yet I am afraid of living the worst case scenario

I am less confident in myself, yet I offer advice to others

I am more empathetic and compassionate, yet I have no patience for petty woes

I cry for others' grief, yet I wonder if they feel as bad as me

I understand depression, yet I don't know how to lift others' spirits

I exist, yet I am trying to live again

I am defeated, yet I continue to fight

I am impatient to feel better, yet I am not ready to let go

I have changed. Am I still me?

4th July 2012

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good" -Wicked