"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 24 August 2012

Reflections on the worst year of our lives

A line I am hearing a lot from my baby lost friends at the moment...."I can't believe it's been almost a year". I feel exactly the same.  Where has this year gone? I can't believe I have actually made it to this point, and somehow I'm still standing, for the most part.  I am wobbling though.....these last few weeks of this first terrible year are taking their toll.  Another thing I keep hearing is that the buildup is worse than the day itself (referring to the first birthday) I don't doubt it for a second, that has been true for every big milestone so far, but, that doesn't change the fact that I have to live through the buildup, again.  This year has been a cycle of building up to a milestone, making it through, being "ok" for a while, then building up to the next one.  What kind of life is that?  I don't feel like I have lived, not really, just existed for the most part.

The first three months went by in a blur, or fog, I suppose.  Days stretched out before me, I lived hour by hour, barely getting out of bed, barely eating, afraid to leave the house,  I was reminded yesterday that there was a day when I was too scared to go out and buy deodorant.  How far I have come, and yet it feels like I haven't come anywhere at all.  I'm back at work, doing OK, some days loving it, other days hating it, depending on what I am faced with.  I am getting out and seeing people, but still sometimes I just don't want to see anyone.  I'm about to go on holiday...something I could not have contemplated even 6 months ago....but I am worried I'm going to hate it because of the dates.  Still living the contradictions then!

Right now it's the should be's again, I should be planning a first birthday party......not making a wreath for his grave.  I know I won't miss him that day any more than any other, but as the time approaches, I can't help but think about this time last year...the things I was doing, the promise I made to Oglet, that I would bring him/her back to Ashdown forest to play poohsticks again.  I wish I couldn't remember saying that.  On his birthday, and the days that follow, there is an inevitability that I will be remembering what happened each moment, each day.   

I seem to be drowning in another wave, this is a big one, I know why it's a big one, but that doesn't make it any easier.  On top of the grief is the frustration, that a year on, we are no closer to our dream of being parents, life is no further forward.  I have come so far.  But, it isn't enough. I can't get excited over the fact that I am just about back to where I always was anyway.....I am nearly normal again! Big whoop!
Life is empty. I just want to be a mum, a proper mum, one who gets to plan birthday parties and see her baby smile.

This year has been terrible, hell, the worst year I have ever faced, and I hope, will ever face.  As much as I am dreading Bertie's angelversary, I also can't wait for it to be here, so that I will have made it through the first year, and can know that it will never be as bad as it was then.

I will finish with a line from a famous musical I saw recently. "I had a dream my life would be....so different from this hell I'm living" Me too Fantine...me too.

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