This past week or so has been a huge emotional roller coaster. Or perhaps I should say, my life is a huge emotional roller coaster, and this week has been a case in point.
11 months. I am struggling with his birthday coming, I know that, I recognise that, I accept that. It is making me more emotional and less able to cope with certain situations, becuase the burden it getting too much again.
So this week. It began with
another pregnancy announcement at work. That's four since Robert died.
My mental reaction this time was "of course she is". I seem to have
resigned myself to expect at least one a month....maybe one of these
months will be my month......I am really trying to not be jealous, or
resentful, or sad each time it happens for someone else.....but it is
hard. I feel as though I am surrounded by reminders of what I have
lost, and happy as I am for other people, it just rubs salt in a very
open wound. A very good friend of mine tells me frequently to stop
putting so much pressure on myself. God I wish I knew how to do that.
Can anyone help me?
Wednesday, was a lot better. I was asked to start working in a new clinic alongside our new consultant. It's an area I have trained in before, really enjoyed, but had to give up for various reasons, much to my disappointment at the time. Well, in my first clinic with her this week, she rocketed from expecting to train me for six months, to sending me off to work alone once she realized how much I knew. I loved it, and finished the clinic buzzing. She gave me fantastic feedback and as a result I potentially will be doing an extra day at work per week to help run this clinic. That afternoon, I sat and sobbed! Huh? Yep, I actually sat and cried.....I was just so overwhelmed that for the first time since losing Robert, I really enjoyed being at work, got a real buzz from doing a good job, and really saw a bit of the old me peeking out from behind the mask. It was a huge self esteem boost, at just the right time. So ridiculous that even the good stuff makes me cry.
On Friday, I had a huge hurdle to face. I was the only optician in the clinic, and it was a full day of peadiatrics. I knew it was a full peads list, I'd been mentally preparing myself for it, and for the inevitability that there would be a baby somewhere on the list. So, when I arrived, I went to check the list to see what I was going to have to face. To my horror, a little boy, born on Robert's due date. He also had a name beginning with R. Panic set in immediately. Proper sweaty palms moment. I spent the whole morning flitting between psyching myself up for it, and hoping that they wouldn't turn up. They did. I very nearly asked a doctor to see him instead, but in the end decided I needed to do this, ready or not, this was something I had to face at some point. So I did, and I stayed professional, just. Wow was it hard. I fought back tears as he starting making mu mu mum noises and his mum got all excited saying that's the first time he's said that.......Writing about it now is bringing back the feelings I had in that moment. Ok, it's a hurdle faced, I was so strong etc etc.....honestly, I don't think that one is ever going to be ok. This isn't one of those hurdles you pass, and after the first time, it gets easier. This one is going to hurt like hell, forever, every time. But I did it, and I will again. I just wish I didn't have to.
Then Saturday, a lovely day with my angel mummy group. They are a great support, and I treasure them all, but, and I am sure they won't mind me saying this, it was hard too. They know why. Bittersweet. Happysad. A contradiction. Lots of time to talk about Robert freely, lots of feelings resurfacing, lots of laughs, a few tears.
And now, well, right now, I am emotionally exhausted. So I will sign off, and strive for a happier blog next time.