My second task in the CBT course is to learn to be more compassionate to myself. To treat myself as I would a good friend. Ie, be kinder to myself. As a starting point I am encouraged to choose a colour to represent kindness, and to imagine myself surrounded by that colour.
So, I've been trying this out today. Each time a negative thought has entered my mind, I have answered it as if I were talking to a friend. I am not allowing myself to compare myself negatively with others, or to dwell on things other people have which I don't yet. I am instead telling myself that I will get there too, eventually. For example, a big fear of mine at the moment is that my pregnant friends will deliver their babies, and I will still be trying for another.......I see it a a failure in myself that I am not pregnant too.....I am constantly comparing myself to them and asking when will it be me? Well, I am trying to be kinder to myself and not allow myself to get bogged down in these thoughts, but to look to my future, a future that will involve being a mum again eventually, no matter what other people are up to. It is also about focussing on the good things I do have, the things I have achieved and the people around me who care about me, rather than concentraing on the things that are missing in my life all the time.
So, I thought I'd go for a swim this afternoon to give me some distraction free time to practice my mindfulness and self kindness. Swimming along, surrounded by my kind colour, perfect right? Note to self: three thirty on a Friday afternoon in the school holidays is not the best time to go swimming! Still, I did manage a few mindful lengths, and after I got head butted by a little boy who decided to randomly launch himself backwards into the pool just as I passed him, and thoroughly soaked by a little girl who was just learning how to propel herself forwards using her legs......I managed to laugh, not cry. So, I see that as a positive step forward don't you?