"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 31 August 2012

Being kinder to myself (CBT 2)

My second task in the CBT course is to learn to be more compassionate to myself.  To treat myself as I would a good friend.  Ie, be kinder to myself.  As a starting point I am encouraged to choose a colour to represent kindness, and to imagine myself surrounded by that colour.

So, I've been trying this out today.  Each time a negative thought has entered my mind, I have answered it as if I were talking to a friend.  I am not allowing myself to compare myself negatively with others, or to dwell on things other people have which I don't yet.  I am instead telling myself that I will get there too, eventually.  For example, a big fear of mine at the moment is that my pregnant friends will deliver their babies, and I will still be trying for another.......I see it a a failure in myself that I am not pregnant too.....I am constantly comparing myself to them and asking when will it be me? Well, I am trying to be kinder to myself and not allow myself to get bogged down in these thoughts, but to look to my future, a future that will involve being a mum again eventually, no matter what other people are up to.   It is also about focussing on the good things I do have, the things I have achieved and the people around me who care about me, rather than concentraing on the things that are missing in my life all the time.

So, I thought I'd go for a swim this afternoon to give me some distraction free time to practice my mindfulness and self kindness. Swimming along, surrounded by my kind colour, perfect right? Note to self: three thirty on a Friday afternoon in the school holidays is not the best time to go swimming! Still, I did manage a few mindful lengths, and after I got head butted by a little boy who decided to randomly launch himself backwards into the pool just as I passed him, and thoroughly soaked by a little girl who was just learning how to propel herself forwards using her legs......I managed to laugh, not cry. So, I see that as a positive step forward don't you?

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