So, I'm past the first year "the worst is over" and yet I don't feel any better. In fact I'm struggling more than I have in a while. It's a mix of things......I am dealing with a lot of internal battles at the moment. trying to stay positive and live life to the fullest I can...but knowing that deep down, no matter what I tell myself, no matter what mask I wear, I am still so sad.
My son is still missing...he is still missed. A year on, it isn't any better. The anniversary has just renewed the feelings of what should have been. How different my life should be now. I think about what my one year old would be like....what I would be like as a mum....what my husband would be like as a dad....how our life would be....how tiny our flat would seem with three of us. I feel so robbed.
I have talked about guilt and shame before, well I'm feeling those feelings again...still..I don't know, I guess they never went. But last week I got a diagnosis that is a little hurdle in our path to becoming parents. It's not a big deal...but then it is, to me. I feel like such a failure. I couldn't keep Bertie safe, now I'm facing problems getting pregnant again. I watch my husband play with our friends' children, and it breaks my heart that I couldn't give him our son. I can't give him another child yet. My parents are as desparate to be grandparents as I am to be a mum. My sister never met her nephew. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, not least myself. I just want my chance to be a mum. I think I'd be good at it.
The rational part of my brain knows none of it is my fault, that I am not a failure or letting anyone down. Doesn't change a thing. I've said before, so many times, grief is not rational.
The vicar prayed with me a while after we lost Bertie. He asked for another pregnancy, when the time is right, and that that would bring redemption. At the time I thought that was a strange choice of words, but now I think actually yes, I think I do need it partly for redemption, to prove to myself and the world I can do this. Not to make up for what we have lost, that's impossible, but to bring some joy to a broken and stricken family.
I can predict what the responses to this post will be-take your pick from the following
You are not a failure
You are an amazing mum
None of this is your fault
You will have another one
It will be your turn soon
It will happen when the time is right
You still have your husband, you have to be glad for what you do have
You can't put so much pressure on yourself, it won't help
You must try to relax
Do you think I don't tell myself these things every day? It doesn't change the fact I have to go to sleep every night with a broken heart. That I have to battle with myself to try to stay positive every day. That I hate myself for feeling resentful and jealous towards my pregnant colleagues. That I shut myself in the office at lunchtime so I don't have to eat lunch with one of them. That the fact I do that makes me feel so pathetic. That I feel so alone despite being surrounded by so much love. That my son is gone.
That I just want my turn to come, so I can feel better.
That I just want to be happy again.
That I just want my life back
That I just want my world back
That I just want my son back