"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Monday, 3 September 2012


I find it really interesting how our dreams often reflect the thoughts and feelings our subconscious mind is processing.  I have had three baby dreams since Robert died, well, three that I could remember when I woke up anyway.

The first was more of a nightmare, I had a baby boy (not Robert) in a car seat in the back of the car, I stopped at some lights and he was taken from me, someone opened the car door and stole my baby.  I was helpless as they ran to another car and drove away with him.  It was terrible, so real, but not surprising really, I did feel like my baby had been stolen from me, so I guess it was a mix of processing what had happened, and a deep fear that it would happen to me agan.

A few weeks later, I dreamt that we brought Robert home.  It was around Christmas I think, when he was due, and around the time he would have been coming home had he lived.   That was lovely, and again, clearly what was on my mind at the time, a little glimpse into how it should have been.  The horrible thing about that dream was that I had to wake up and remember that he wasn't here, that we'd had to say goodbye.

Then nothing more for months, which felt like a shame, but also a relief.  Lots of mums say they want their children to visit them in their dreams, so they can see them, for a while at least.....but the pain of waking up and remembering.....I'm not so sure.

Last night, I had my thrird baby dream, and maybe now I am ready for them, because it was just lovely, I dreamt I had twin baby girls, I was holding one, Mark the other, we were arguing abut how to put nappies on for the first time, me getting short tempered with his fumbling man sized hands as he struggled to do it........so lovely.   But why two babies? Clearly I want to be a mum so badly that my subconscious interpreted that as wanting twins.  Well, maybe in a dream......

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