I appear to have reached the "anger" stage. I wondered if I ever would, and I have. It isn't just anger that Bertie died, of course that is most of it, but I am also angry that we are now struggling for our rainbow. I am angry that I have to deal with so many mixed emotions, I am angry that I have to live in fear of who will be next to tell me they're pregnant when I am not. I feel angry that I can't just be happy for friends who are, and instead feel confused by my mixture of happiness for them, but sadness and hurt that yet again, it isn't my turn. I feel angry that I have to fight my emotions all day just to cope at work. I feel angry that 13 months after my son died, my life is not really any better. I feel angry towards the NHS who have let me get to this point before helping me. I feel angry at God, who's "plan" is supposed to bring me comfort. I feel angry at the people who tell me He has one. I feel angry at myself for feeling that way. I feel angry at myself for failing. I am angry that the people who deserve to be parents have a hard time, whilst the people who don't seem to have it easy. I feel angry every time I see a pregnant woman smoking. I feel angry at how unfair the world is. I feel angry for feeling so ANGRY.
I don't want to feel angry. I want to feel like ME again.