"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 26 October 2012

Meeting myself on Grief Mountain (CBT 4)

This afternoon I went back to my mountain top, before long Bertie came to meet me, as he often does if I relax deep enough. This time, he was very excited and wanted me to go with him for a walk.  Off we went, and we met me, the older, compassionate me who I'd decided I wasn't ready to meet there yet. Well, there she was, like it or not.  She's about ten years older, still wearing my footprint necklace, smiling.  We chat a bit, she tells me that I won't feel this way forever, that I am going to be happy again.  I should stop questioning myself, and allow myself to feel the grief.  My feelings are understandable, inevitable, allowed.  Just go with it, it will get better.  She tells me there are three more babies to come, a boy and two girls. She tells me their names......shall we go and see?

......we walk for a while and a cottage appears.  By the front door, waiting and smiling, are my husband and the three children. The boy is about 10, the girls, about 7 and 5....the older me goes to join them, they all look so happy, Bertie flies around them, they see him, wave, smile.  We all go inside, and she tells me that he still sends them signs, all the kids have gotten to know him.  The youngest girl, in particular, loves planting pansies at his forever bed with grandma.  We chat a little more, then I just watch them together, the kids playing, she's laughing, that carefree laugh I thought I'd never laugh again....

Time to go, she reminds me, it's ok to feel the way I feel right now, it will pass, just accept it, go with it, and find peace in the certainty of the happiness to come........

Thanks Bertie, for showing me <3

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