I'm struggling with what to write tonight. What I do know is that I need to write something. I need to get this week off my chest....but I have no idea which way it will go. So I guess I will get started and what results will be nothing if not honest. Well, you know me by now- so what's new.
My choice of background music I suppose tells me how it's going to go- I just felt an urge to play Precious Child, so I guess it's going to be tearful and hopefully cathartic.
So, my week. It's been a toughie. And that's putting it politely. I hate coming here to moan, but my burden has just gotten one stone too heavy this week. It started with the baby memorial service at the cathedral. I'd been invited by a friend and wasn't sure...I hadn't been to one before as I had never felt ready, but decided this year I would like to go. It was beautiful. We lit candles, the names of all the babies were read out, poems, readings, songs and hymns. Beautiful, but so hard. They chose the same reading we had at Bertie's thanksgiving service. Not too surprising, there really aren't many appropriate bible readings for babies who have died. But at the end, the lump-in-the-throat-blow. The same hymn we had- my favorite. The one I could not sing at his service....could I sing it now? I did, through tears. Perhaps I was meant to go and sing it. Perhaps he wanted to hear me sing it. I tried my best baby.
Monday. Another busy peads clinic. Another 18 month old boy. Another decision to make. I was free, he'd been waiting...I could ask a colleague...no, I can do this. I have to be able to do this. Call him in....he loves it....giggling.....drool on my hand....soft skin on his cheek....brown hair...thank God his eyes are blue...giggling....please stop giggling, I could deal with you crying so much easier......Older sibling "look mum, he loves it" ....I will never do this for Bertie...he will never giggle at me....oh God I'm going to cry...no...don't...put up the mask...block it out...just get them out of the room first....... Made it... they're gone.. Meltdown.
Monday night. Housegroup. Encouragement night. Perfect timing- I needed it. I still need it. Beautiful words, friends using very different words to describe me than I would use for myself. Where I see despair, grief, sadness, moaning, depression, frustration, dissatisfaction, jealousy and resentment...they see love, smart, gentle, sensitive, humour, honesty, reliable. It makes me cry to see those adjectives next to my name. They gave me bible quotes to uplift me...and they did, but they also frustrate me. Yes, God has all these promises for me...and yet, here I am still so tormented. When is He going to start fulfilling them? Even housegroup is a torment now. My last safe place. My support network...it's become a double edged sword.
Wednesday. I failed. Remember I posted a while back about preparing myself to meet the new baby when my colleague came in? That I felt I was ready to do it and it wouldn't be so bad? Well. I was wrong on that score too. She came in on Wednesday, wheeled the buggy into the office full of people. Fortunately I was sat in a place that allowed me to make an immediate discreet exit without her noticing. Split second decision- instinct. Fight or flight? I chose to run. Too many people, too hard a week. The same office I walked into all those months ago, for the first time after giving birth.....without my son. I held his funeral order of service and told them how I wished I was bringing him in to meet them. My hands shook as I held the tea someone made me and I told them his story. It all came flooding back in the few seconds it took me to decide to run as they all excitedly crowded round the pram. Can't do this. Not this week. Will I ever?
Tonight. The rush of hormones that comes with another failed cycle. No 2013 baby for me. A third Christmas without a child. More investigations. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? Knowing I shouldn't blame myself....but I have to blame something. I HAVE TO GET ANGRY!
Will I ever be able to go back to a normal life where I don't have to assess each situation in life and decide if I can cope with it? Will I ever stop having to deal with the meltdown when I judge it wrong? Will I ever get to present my newborn to the world?
Will God ever give me more than words on a page to make me believe I will?
Isaiah 30:18 "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
My God. Where is the justice in this never ending torment? How long must I wait? Can't you show grace and compassion to this broken soul in the way I long for, beg for, need?
And itunes decides to play tears in heaven as I sign off. How very apt.