"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Fighting an inner battle every day.

Once again the sun is shining. It's May. It's beautiful outside.....It has prompted me to remember writing "right where I am" a year ago. And that makes me wonder: where am I now?

It's true what they say, geting out and about, a bit of sunshine, some exercise, is the best way to beat depression. That was me yesterday, out on a beautiful walk with my husband, in the sun.....I felt almost happy.  Well, distracted enough from feeling sad anyway, which is about as close to happy as I get now.  I love the sunshine, but like everything else in this new life, it is a double edged sword. Sumertime brings out happy families, children laughing, playing, running free.   It makes me think of this time two years ago, pregnant, and happy, carefree and excited. It makes me remember this time last year, devastated, grief stricken, a shell of my former self. It makes me think of how I told myself next summer you'll have another baby with you......And now? My shell is slowly filling up. I can say that. I am learning to live, day by day. I am able to do more than exist, more than just function. But. Happy, content, carefree, exctied......those are still a long way off.  I don't have another baby with me. I am not even pregnant. Instead I am facing another thing I never thought I would...secondary infertility.

It's like another huge black cloud hanging over me all the time. Tormenting me.....It's filled with lttle voices, different personalities, on repeat:
Self esteem telling me: you're broken, so many others have achieved what you can't, you can't do this...you're never going to have another baby. Having Bertie was a fluke, your only chance and you blew it.
Self protection warning me: Stop wanting it, it's not going to happen.  Start prepping yourself for adoption....
Fear wondering: What if I get more bad news next week? How am I going to cope? How can I come to terms with this?  What if I never have another child?
The planner asking: What is the next step....maybe you'll need an operation....what after that? Could you cope with IVF...how far are you willing to go...?
My compassionate self, (the quiet one), telling me: These feelings are natural. they are understandable, but you can't let them win. They are just feelings.  Try to take a step at a time and try to live life for now. You have come so far, dont sell yourself short. Remember the days when you couldn't even leave the house, look at you now!
Sadness and frustraton respond: I don't want to live for now. I hate this "now".
The grief whispering: I miss him, I miss him, I miss him......
My sense of justice screamig: This is not fair. Not fair at all. What have I done to deserve this? Why am I facing another summer, another birthday, another christmas, childless? Why am I being denied my chance at motherhood?
Faith reminding me: God has plans for you.
Anger responding: If God has plans....why did Bertie die? If He has promises, when will He keep them? If He is fair and loving and in control....why am I being made to suffer so much, and why was my son's life the price to pay for whatever plans are to come?
The professional saying:  Put on the mask, and do your job. You job is giving you self worth and keeping you going.  You're doing well at work, it is keeping you sane and giving your purpose. So keep going.
And underneath it all....the lynchpin, the cause of all these feelings, the mother. She says:
I need a living child to hold, to nurture....to love with my mothers' love.

Until I have that, I won't ever feel fulfilled; I won't ever find peace.

You see? Can you even begin to understand? Right where I am at Ninteen months, two weeks and three days.

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