"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Sounding like my old self again

I haven't blogged for a while, so long in fact that people have started saying they are worried becasue I haven't blogged! Thing is, I haven't needed to.  I guess I have writers block....I have sat down, several times, in the last month and tried to wrote a blog, but it doesn't work that way. I blog when I need to. The writing flows when I need it to come out.  So, my not blogging is a good thing!

But, speaking to my mum the other day, she inspired me to write.  She said the lovely words "you sound like your old self again". Meaning, I sounded better, happier, optimistic and hopeful.  That's becuase I am feeling all those things. It feels good.  For so long I thought I never would.  And it hasn't come because "time has passed", or because I have "got over it", no, it is becuase positive things are finally starting to happen for us.  It also does not mean my grief has ended, that I'm "ok now" nor will I be when the thing I yearn for happens...because I will still yearn for my first son, and my second, third, fourth, child will never make up for him leaving.  But, to repeat what I have said many times, there is one thing that will, I hope, balance the grief and tip the equilibrium of my life back towards happy and away from sad, and that's a rainbow baby.

We have rolled a couple of sixes, climbed a couple of ladders, and finally, finally after almost a year and a half of heartache and frustration, it feels like we have a chance at a family again. It hasn't happened yet, but for the first time since Bertie died, I can really believe it will, and soon. I have a smidgen of control back over my life, well, my doctors do at least, and that is comforting. No more waiting and waiting and endless waiting. The game is going to end. I can see the finish square. 

Of course, I have the inevitable niggling fear that this is not going to last, that something will go wrong any day and I'll come crashing down again...but I am not allowing myself to give that thought any attention. No more hurdles, no more snakes. This is it now.....right?


  1. I'm so relieved that you are okay, Bertie's Mum! I know that I have no right to feel that, just being some random stranger who checks in with your blog because it was the first UK one I ever found after my own baby boy died. But oh I am so relieved that you are still here and continuing and that things are tinged with optimism is a bonus. This month I am doing my own "capture your grief" photo thing, copying yours and Carly's. I just thought I'd add that. Okay, back to you! (Sorry, I realise I'm meant to comment on the actual post for today.)

  2. Ruby that is wonderful! I found capture your grief very healing and very helpful, I hope you find the same. I would love to see yours, are you sharing it publicly? Post a link here if you are x