"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 26 July 2013

No more silent screams

This morning, in the car, I screamed. Properly. Loudly. WHY WHY WHY??? Why am I being so tormented? Punished? Why am I being denied my chance at motherhood? Why are my earnest prayers going unanswered, again and again and again? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!

Then I cried, the whole journey to work. And tried not to have an accident.

Do I feel any better? No.  But it does beat holding it in.

This month's failure has hit me particularly hard.  This time I followed everybody's heartfelt advice and "thought positive". I relaxed, as far as is possible, and just hoped beyond hope that it was going to work. Afterall, the evil drugs are working in my body now, so we actually felt like there was a chance. So the crash down has been, and continues to be, terrible.

There are many positives. The drugs are working. We are so much closer than we were....close, but no cigar! It simply isn't enough. Not good enough. This isn't just something I want/wish for/hope for. I'm not a newly wed trying for a baby for say 3 months and getting frustrated. This is something I NEED. I have a physical need to be a mother again. I am supposed to be one, let's not forget.   And that boy, my boy, who is mine but not mine- he turns 2 in September. And my arms are still empty.

Time is not making this easier. It's making it worse.  And I don't know what to do. I am scared stiff I'm heading for a nervous breakdown.  I have tried everything there is to "relax" and "take my mind off it" and now we're starting again on the same things, becuase we've tried them all.  Acupuncture, relaxation MP3s, holiday booked for my birthday/his birthday week- did that last year and here we are again! We adopted our cat, becuase I was at my wits' end and desparate. She's been with us 7 months now. How is it I'm still standing?

What is it I am meant to do now?

People say I am so strong, and handling my situation with grace.  I am not. I am slowly going crazy inside my head, one negative test at a time.

1 comment:

  1. People offer useless advice, don't they? I mean about thinking positively or relaxing or time healing or being strong. So easy to say. It's because they believe that they control their own fate to some extent. You are more honest than they are. The truth is that this is a matter of luck and chance. No-one controls any of this; there is no merit in any of it. You are having appallingly bad luck and it's entirely reasonable for you to scream at the unfairness and tragedy of it all. I'm really sorry that you are facing such hardship and pain. I'm sorry that you are frightened about a nervous breakdown. I am sorry that hope seems so far away.