"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Year two anniversaries

Here we are again, in September. It's different this year, not easier, but different. One big difference was in the number of people who remembered, and acknowledged what yesterday was, it seems people are finally realising that I WANT them to mention him! I was overwhelmed, actually, by the outpouring of love, messages, textx, and even cards and gifts that came through yesterday, before I said anything about it. They remembered. And they mentioned it. Thank you, thank you thank you to all those people, after my "obligatory sympathy" post last month, it was a very welcome surprise.

As I said though, it has not been easier. I am not sure why, but I have a few ideas. It could be because society expects it to be easier this year, it could be because I expected it to be easier this year. Of course, it isn't easier. He's still missing, he still is not in my arms where he belongs, and I've missed out on a second birthday party for him.  I think, in addition, it's the feeling of being another year away from holding Bertie, yet no closer to holding my rainbow. Time is passing, but life is not moving forwards.

I want to try and explain to you readers, how this journey feels to me.

Imagine you are walking a long journey.  You have already been walking a very long time, you are tired, physically and emotionally exhausted, because even though you have been walking for a very long time, you have no idea where the finish line is. That's tough, and tormenting, because you can't pace yourself. You don't know if around the next bend in the road you'll see the end, or if there will be another huge hill to climb.  You fear it's the latter, and the thought makes you despair, because you are so tired, you don't know how you will find the strength to make it up that next hill. You beg for it to be the end, just one more bend in the road, then no more, please.  But you know it's futile, the road is as long as it will be, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

There are people along the way, some being supportive, some pretending they can't see your struggle. Some walk and share your journey for a while, but then they reach their ending and leave you on your journey alone. Some try to advise you, they tell you to stop, relax for a while, stop walking and then you'll get to the end. Of course you won't! If you stop, you are just prolonging the journey, you have to keep ploughing on.

Now imagine you have an army training backpack on. This huge weight that you cannot shake off, that is pressing down on you, slowing your progress further. Part of you wants to just take off the backpack and leave it on the road, carry on without it, surely that would be easier? But, that backpack contains your most precious possessions, memories, love. How can you leave it behind? You just want to make it to the end of the journey, and you cry because you don't know if the end is 500 feet away, or 500 miles.

My life.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sarah,

    Sadly I know so well what you mean by this. You explain it so well and in such so that people who've not been through this experience, should better understand it. Everyone knows what it's like being physically exhausted on a journey and how distressing it is not knowing how far there is to go. Although i think that unless someone is lost on a mountain or in a wood they usually know when the end of the journey will come, so they have it a lot easier. Maybe one day you can use some of your blogs to write a book to educate the world about how devastating and life altering this journey is. I think you have a gift for expressing emotions through words. Julesxx