"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Mummy's sorry sweetheart.

I almost made it out of the first trimester, but I've just had my first major cry since finding out I am pregnant again. I have that Facebook memories thing set up and apparantly four years ago today I posted "mummy's sorry sweetheart". Bam, instantly I was catapulted back in time and remembering exactly how I was feeling that day. How I still feel, to a much lesser degree. Guilt. Now, I know it wasn't my fault, I know I did everything I could, I know nobody could have foreseen what was to happen. And yet. I was his mummy, he was reliant on me and my body let us both down.

And I am so scared it will happen again. It's the first time I've allowed myself to acknowledge that.  Yes, I was super-paranoid about an early loss but since getting over that it's all been researching VBAC vs elective Caesarian...blithely assuming I'll get that far, get that choice.

What if I don't?

What if I DO?

Will bringing this baby home tear open old wounds (literally, or metaphorically?) Will I feel the enormous new guilt of enjoying my new baby whilst knowing that Bertie never made each milestone? Will watching his little sibling grow up make me miss him even more? Is that even possible?

My body is heaving with sobs and my heart aches with missing him. With guilt of letting him down, with wondering: if I knew I had PCOS would I have caved into my craving for haribo starmix so much? Was my blood sugar too high? Did that do it? He wasn't ready to come, he was so high in my womb like he wanted to stay. He should have stayed. If I had then the care I am getting now, would things have been different?  Will getting this care now make this time any different? I look four-five months after a big meal already, am I putting on too much weight this time? Am I overeating? Eating the wrong things?  People are noticing, asking me is it my first? What do I say to that?

Oh God. Please help me.

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