"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Monday, 18 June 2012

9 months

It's nine months since Bertie was born. We are three quarters of the way through our first year of grief. We have faced his due date, first Christmas, mothers' day, my husband's birthday, and now, fathers' day. The next thing will be my bithday, followed a week later, by Bertie's. Already it's looming on the horison, the next big thing we have to face. Already I am worried about it, what should we do to mark it? How will we be? What will we feel up to doing? Lots of people release balloons, or lanterns for their babies on special occasions, but somehow that just doesn't feel right for us. But I just don't know what to do instead. What do you do to mark what would have been your baby's first birthday? We can't have a party, yet we want to do something. I never envisaged a graveside vigil for my first born's first big day. Who would?

I am hoping, and relying on the fact that I will "just know" what feel right, when the time comes. He will let me know what he wants, won't he? I'm his mum, I should know. But I just don't, not yet.

These milestones are not getting any easier. This weekend, for fathers' day we had family gatherings with both sides of our family. Both were so hard because Robert was missing, I could just picture him in a high chair at one end of the table, but it's just a dream. He was missing, as he always is. We had to wish our dads a happy day, knowing that my husband should be celebrating his first fathers' day too, but he wasn't. We had to smile and carry on and hide the hurt we felt inside, like we always do. Masks on, good to go.

I am told that the first year is the hardest, all the firsts. But I cannot see right now how next year, or the year after that, or any of the years to come are going to be any less painful. no matter how big our future family turns out to be, there is always going to be one missing around our table, forever.


  1. It is just over nine months since i said goodbye to my little girl. The milestones pass by one by one, and each just another reminder of what should have been and isn't.

    Your last paragraph resonates so strongly with me, how indeed are the years to come going to be any less painful? I wish i knew the answer to that, but i hope and pray that its the case.


  2. Sarah, what if you did have a party? A celebration of his life on the first anniversary of the day you met him. A day to reflect on how special and cherished he is, and surround yourself with the family and friends who validate your existence as a mum and Bertie's existence as a beautiful angel. It needn't be big or fancy. You are very creative and I bet you could come up with a way to pull it off that feels right, and leaves warm memories in your heart for years to come. :)xxx