"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 15 June 2012

Bad Days

I was asked the other day, "what triggers a bad day?" It's an impossible question to answer really, but I've been thinking about it.   Nothing "triggers" a bad day, more that on a bad day, grief triggers are harder to deal with.  Is there even such a thing as a "bad day"? Or is a good day just a bad day where the mask fits a bit better? Maybe a better term would be stronger days and less strong days.  On a less strong day I just wake up feeling down. I know it's not going to be a strong day, and on those days, little things will upset me more.  The things I could have coped with yesterday tip me over the edge today.  I can't tell you why.  Just like I don't know why some days I think of Robert and feel him close and I feel comforted, and other days I think of him and miss him so much my arms and my heart physically ache for him.

On a strong day, the sadness and hurt are still there. I am not "ok", I'm just dealing with it better. I've become a good actress. I can feel happy, I am able to enjoy myself and have a nice time, but deep inside I am unhappy. Discontent.  This photo was taken at a recent get together with my babylost friends, a wonderful group of women who all lost lost their babies around the same time as me.  They get it. Totally and utterly. They are where I am right now, they are camping on the ledge with me, and that is why this picture is the only one of me in the last nine months where the smile reaches my eyes. This was probably the happiest day I have had since Robert died.  One day.  One happy day.  And even that day saw tears.

I wonder if this is as good as it's going to get? Will I ever feel content? Or will I hurt like this forever? I don't want to be strong, or brave, or incredible, or an inspiration, or any of the other lovely things people say about me now. I just want to be happy again.  People say "you will be." How do they know? I sure don't.  I don't know how I can be when there's a hole in my heart, my soul, my world, that's impossible to fill.

A Hole In My Soul:

Things have not turned out how I planned
My life has changed forever, but not the way I imagined
Some days are dark
Some even black
But others I get just a glimpse of the light
Some days I’ll smile
Others I can’t
Sometimes I’ll take two steps backwards
And just sometimes I can laugh.
But no matter what I do, no matter how I feel each day,
There’s one thing that will never change
There’s a Robert shaped hole in my heart, my soul, my life
A future unfulfilled, that can never be replaced.

I have had a taste of being a mum.  And nothing compares to it. My life is as busy as it always was, I am back to doing all the things I used to do, and enjoy.  But it isn't the same.  Life is just empty without him.

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