"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Ode to the rollercoaster

Tears again, as I think of my lost son. Tears once more, I just want to be "mum".  Wondering if my turn has been missed. Wondering if I'm even on the list.

Try to be mindul, don't let these thoughts in. Turn it around, raise up your chin! Things will happen, in their own time....will they, will they? Will that joy ever be mine?

It's a snakes and ladders board, and I'm losing the game. I wonder how much longer I will have to play.  Baby steps forward, towards the massive goal. Baby steps forward.....and like a baby I fall. It should be my son taking those first baby steps, not me, not me, not again, not yet. One thing is bad enough, but the other? Trying to grieve, whilst trying to be a mother.  Too much to cope with, too much for my mind. And yet, I can't move on, I can't leave it all behind.

Nobody gets it, nobody knows. It's such a lonely, difficult road. Even those who were there, now drift away, I know they still care, but they don't know what to say.  What is wrong we me? What have I done, to deserve the life that this has become?

Tears. So many tears. Tears of grief for my little boy. Tears of frustration....I want tears of joy.

1 comment:

  1. You ARE on the list. I hear what you are saying. And it reminds me of the little boys and girls who are waiting for their forever families to be found. So many people waiting in anguish for the family that others get so easily and take for granted... I'm so sorry if I am speaking out of turn by mentioning adoption, but your painful wait just reminded me of that parallel situation.