"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Should we redecorate the nursery?

The things I think about. It's crazy, I am not even pregnant yet and yet this question is very much on  my mind.  As you know, Bertie's room is still how we left it the weekend he was born, we never felt able to take it all down, and as the months have turned into over a year, it is now very much Bertie's room. It has been added to with things made for him and bought for him. His memory box is in there, his wooden train, our Oglet.  All the clothes and bits and bobs are away in drawers......it will be a lucky dip when we delve in one day to see what we have. That day will come, we hope, and a decision will need to be made.

Do we change it? Ok, we can tell ourselves that baby number two would have hand me downs and would use Bertie's things.  Of course they would.....but baby number two would not have used that room....we would not be having baby number two until we could move to a bigger house, there just wouldn't be the room, so that argument doesn't work really.

Hand-me-downs. How does that work when he never got to use them?  Because he didn't get to live, I am very protective over his things, the few things he does get to have. How can I give them to the next child? Some things will have to be of course, we can't keep the furniture for example, store it forever and buy more, that's crazy..... but the truth is, I don't think I could get my head around associating that room with a living baby. Not the room as it is anyway.  I think we have to redecorate,  make it different, move the furniture around.  I want the next child to know they are not a replacement, that we got excited about painting their room the same as we did for their brother.  Only it won't be exciting this time will it? Not in the same way. It will be sad. Can I paint over his room, can I obliterate the memories? I know I will have to do it, one day we will move, one day a rainbow will come, one day his room will be gone forever. But there won't be a new room for him, and that is still so hard to accept.

In some ways,  it would be easier if we could move house before the nursery is needed again, that way we wouldn't have to physically paint over it, we could just say goodbye to it and not have to do that ourselves.  A new house, a new nursery, a new baby.....no. The pain would be the same.  What to do. I guess it is a bridge we will have to cross when the time comes. If the time ever comes.

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