It's been a while since I did a CBT post. That's becuase I haven't been working on it so much, becuase I haven't felt the need to so much, which is good I suppose. However this week I have needed to revisit it, as another pregnancy test is negative, as another hope is dashed, as we take the next step on our journey, asking for more help. As the road ahead of us looks longer not shorter. So, after wading through a few pages of things that are just not relevant to me any more (clearly I am less depressed than I was, good), the next task for me is to list the things I am grateful for. Apparently it should help me to refocus and stimulate good chemicals in my brain. So here we go.
I am grateful for my husband, who quietly, steadfastly stands by my side and walks this journey with me. He doesn't say much, but he never gets it wrong. He listens when I worry, holds me when I cry, reassures me when I feel like a failure. He misses Bertie too, he talks about him too. He wants another child too, as much as me. He alone knows and shares my pain. I often look at our wedding photo now and remember making our vows for better or worse. How innocent we were. We had no idea what we were to face, how much we would long for more better and less worse. I am so grateful to have him.
I am grateful for my family, who remember and miss him too, who talk about him and try to keep me going through my dips and falls. My parents would move the earth to see me happy again, if only they could.
I am grateful for my friends, near and far, who listen even when they can't help. The ones who check in on me now and then to make sure I am ok, the ones to try to help me stay positive, but who understand when I don't feel it. The ones who really want to know the answer to "how are you today?" And who are not bored with the response.
I am grateful for my job. I am lucky, I love my job. Not many people get to say that. Honestly it is keeping me sane some days and is a great distraction. It pays enough to allow me a few treats when I need them, and secure enough that I don't live in fear of losing it. In this climate, really that is amazing.
I am grateful for my colleagues, who were so understanding when Bertie died, and made my return to work so much less difficult than some people I have spoken to.
I am grateful for my cat, Pippa. She makes me smile every day and fulfils my need to care for something. She has had a tough 18months or so too and I am so glad we found each other.
I am grateful for my faith, and the certain knowledge that I will be with him again. For being carried through the storm, even when I protest that surely it would be better to calm the storm now?
I am grateful for my son. Bertie gave me the happiest time of my life, and no matter what the future holds, I had that. I cherish memories of his first kick, the day he got hiccups, the day I got to balance a cup on my bump, how well I felt whilst pregnant, how much I was looking forward to him being born...meeting him. I wish it didn't stop there.
I am not sure this has had the desired effect. This is just the "it could be worse" style of positive thinking. The trouble is, none of it makes up for it does it? It's the consolation prize, the things I got becuase I didn't get him, and the things I'd have had anyway. I don't take them for granted, but if Bertie had lived, I'd have my husband and family and friends anyway wouldn't I. And I'd be happy, properly happy, not happysad. Not "be grateful for what you do have" happy, not paint on a smile happy. Just Happy.