"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Monday, 25 February 2013

Sometimes I feel so very alone

Nobody understands me. That's how it feels. Nobody has the words, some try, some don't. Some avoid the subject, some carelessly discuss the latest birth announcement at work as if I want to hear it. That makes 9 by the way, since he died. 9 babies, so far.  Last spring/summer I went through all the pregnancy announcements, now I'm going through the birth announcements, and oh yeah, I'm still not pregnant. And it's really, really hard.  Every time I'd tell myself, by the time the baby comes, it will be your turn....and every time I was wrong.  I've run out of pep talks now. And yet, apparantly "I'm so strong". As if I have a choice. As if I'd choose this. 17 months, going on 18 months, of agony. Of masks, of "I'm so happy for you" ....I'm so sad for me.

People have stopped saying "these things take time" and have started saying "have you considered adpoption?". Ouch. I used to be one of those people.....I will never, ever say that to a woman again. Oh my it hurts. Of course I've considered adoption....I'm not ready.

I am happy for them all, of course I amI am just so tired of it. And bitter. And jealous. And I hate myself for it one day, then refuse to hate myself for it the next. I have a big enough boulder on my heart without hating myself for normal, natural, human feelings.  This isn't me, it just doesn't sit right to be so bitter.....and yet, here I am.  I could cope with the fertility issues, it would be hard, but it is so much harder on top of grief. I want to yell from the top of Grief Mountain IT ISN'T FAIR!!!! Why is this happening to us? Haven't we been through enough? When's it our turn? I honestly don't know how much more I can take, before I break, before I fall back down into The Pit.

Already broken. I'll break again. How many times can you fold a piece of paper? There's a limit. How many times can you break a woman's heart? I wonder what the limit is......

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