"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Absconditus dues

The God who goes missing

It's Easter Saturday in my life, has been for approaching two years now.   Easter Saturday is the day between Jesus' death on the cross, and His resurrection.  It's the time of disbelief, of not understanding, of despair, of "where is God now?"  It's a time that Christians who are going through a time of trial are reminded of.  The difference being, of course, that the original Easter Saturday only lasted for 24 hours, not 24 months, or longer. 

I can tell you, Easter Saturday really sucks.  It's a time of testing, of asking "what are You up to?"   but, it is also, paradoxically, a time of being closer to God.   My faith, that for years I took for granted, suddenly made me sit up and pay it attention. I am talking to God more than I ever have before.  And that, I suppose, is exactly what God is up to.  Doesn't make it OK that my son had to die.  But, is it ok to accept that sometimes, it doesn't make sense? Do we really have to show our faith by steadfastly looking for, and convincing ourselves of, God's work in amongst the crisis?  Can I be allowed to be angry, to question why, am I being singled out? Why did I have to lose my son, and why am I being denied my chance to be a mother again? What have I done to deserve it?

Sometimes, He takes a step back, and makes us seemingly go it alone, in order for us to reach spiritual maturity, as the father who takes his hand away from the child learning to ride a bike.  It doesn't make it any less frustrating and it sure doesn't make Easter Saturday any easier.

CS Lewis write: "When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.”  Too right  I don't. 

Isaiah 49:14-16

14 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
    the Lord has forgotten me.”
15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!
16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
    your walls are ever before me. 

One last thought on this topic. A song, which when I heard it made me cry in it's appropriate answer to my pain.  The Fray- Be Still

Easter Saturday. I don't know what God is doing, all I know is this is really ****. I can trust that Easter Day will come, but not knowing when is so very hard.

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