"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 18 August 2013

How do you find hope when hope is gone?

18th August 2013. One month to go until Bertie's second birthday. Another year has passed, and I am still in the same place.   I still cannot believe I am here, that this is my life. And yet, I can no longer imagine any other life, any alternative path. It has been so long now that I can no longer imagine myself with my rainbow.  I cannot picture the scene, I have no idea of how it will feel. I have an overwhelming sense that it won't happen. That I am never getting my rainbow.  I feel no closer, even though we are being treated, as nature has given me her monthly slap in the face, we've been knocked back three squares on the game board, again.

I am losing hope.

I know people try longer than me, I know miracles happen, I know it has "only" been twenty months of trying for this baby.  I know. But, it's been four years of wanting to be a mum, four years of committing myself to bringing my baby home, and I have nothing to show for it but grief. A forever bed to tend. A memory box. Will it ever be anything more? Will I ever be anything more than a grieving mother?

Hope is fading fast that I will. And, my faith is being stretched beyond endurance. After two years of desperately trying to cling to my faith, I am but a snapped thread away from declaring "I am done with You!"  I feel God has answered my prayers with a resounding NO! Not only that but I am tormented every day by other families, other pregnant women, people in that alternate universe of success.  Rubbing salt in my wounds, through no fault of their own, simply by receiving what I am being denied. My faith is not as strong as Job's. I am failing the test. And that is just as big a loss as the loss of hope. As the loss of my son. As the loss of me.

I don't know where to go from here and I don't know how to get through this.  In the words of Audrey's song: "People say that I am brave but I'm not....truth is I'm barely hanging on."

1 comment:

  1. Hi Bertie's mum,
    It is about to be 8 months since my son died and I am still in the same place as the day it happened, still not 100% believing it. Sometimes I imagine as I'm coming home that I'll walk through the door and the life we were meant to have will be there in my house and will have been there all along and this has just been some idle nightmare. Like you, I retain some sense that this cannot be my life and yet it is and I cannot see two inches in front. I think it's okay to give up hope, or have a dip in hope. It will resurface. Thinking of you today.