The process of infertility treatment-that's what it is, a process- is exhausting. There is a lot of waiting, and that in itself is exhausting, when you are so desperate to move forwards. It's like a series of hoops to jump through, which you do, but the floor is a conveyor belt-and it's moving backwards. This means that every time you jump through a hoop, the floor moves back so that when you land, you are right back where you started. Exhausting, huh? You feel that despite doing so many things, making it through so many hoops, you aren't getting any further forwards on that conveyor.
You you daren't stop, oh no, if you stop, you'll move backwards with the conveyor belt and wind up falling into the reject bin. Or worse, The Pit. I'm perilously close to The Pit right now after yet another hoop cleared and I'm no better off. Almost three years since Bertie died and more than a year with the fertility clinic and I am honestly no closer to my goal of being a rainbow mummy. It's devastating. I'm Sadsack.
Monday, 30 June 2014
Thursday, 26 June 2014
Her faith is strong.
I believe that God has already answered my prayer. I AM going to be a mummy again. I just don't know when.
Monday, 2 June 2014
From hopeful to tearful and back again-turning on a sixpence.
An up and down time. Again. More down than up, if I'm honest, but trying to tread water so to speak. Not down in The Pit, thank heavens, but pretty low none the less. Frustrated. Time spent researching the next step, because this one apparently didn't work, again. Time spent reading scripture, and making myself encouragement cards, pinning them up on the kitchen wall... reading them every day and feeling, "yeah, you say that, but..."
It's tough. I know it's not meant to be easy. He said "take up your cross and follow me" He didn't say- "this way to an easy life"....but really, this hard? This much hurt? For this long?
The trade off is growth. Spiritual development, closer relationship with Him. I know that, yep that has happened, but it has come with a price. A price of anger, dissatisfaction, questioning. Why am I being tested so much? Why is it no to me but yes to everyone else?
There are many blessings. Many, many blessings, and I thank Him for them every day. I've listed them in this space, more than once, and the list gets longer. And yet it all feels so empty. I stand and look out over my garden, that garden I love so much, and I see him, my boy- nearly three, running, playing, laughing. And I break a little bit more inside.
I picture siblings, aged about five, the best age there is. I see football with daddy and picnics and camping...hope, then poof! An empty garden and the tears come. They aren't there. Will they ever be?
I stand in the smallest room, complete yet empty. The room with no purpose but so much potential. So much love. And I sigh. And I cry. And I pick up my knitting for someone else's baby.
A question: What is the good of the strongest mother heart, in a broken body that can't do it's part?
It's tough. I know it's not meant to be easy. He said "take up your cross and follow me" He didn't say- "this way to an easy life"....but really, this hard? This much hurt? For this long?
The trade off is growth. Spiritual development, closer relationship with Him. I know that, yep that has happened, but it has come with a price. A price of anger, dissatisfaction, questioning. Why am I being tested so much? Why is it no to me but yes to everyone else?
There are many blessings. Many, many blessings, and I thank Him for them every day. I've listed them in this space, more than once, and the list gets longer. And yet it all feels so empty. I stand and look out over my garden, that garden I love so much, and I see him, my boy- nearly three, running, playing, laughing. And I break a little bit more inside.
I picture siblings, aged about five, the best age there is. I see football with daddy and picnics and camping...hope, then poof! An empty garden and the tears come. They aren't there. Will they ever be?
I stand in the smallest room, complete yet empty. The room with no purpose but so much potential. So much love. And I sigh. And I cry. And I pick up my knitting for someone else's baby.
A question: What is the good of the strongest mother heart, in a broken body that can't do it's part?
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
The gift that is a moment of peace.
It's been a tough few days. I've been really down. Doubtful. Will
God ever grant my heart's desire? Thinking He isn't going to. After all I've been through, will it still be NO? Call me Thomas. Starting to think about adoption. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give up on my dream.
Of birthing, holding, feeding my newborn. Of redemption.
Will there be a rainbow for me? I just don't know anymore.
Adoption is a wonderful, wonderful thing. But it isn't redemption. It isn't, yes, I CAN do this. It isn't the rush of love in holding my own flesh and blood. But it IS love. A different love. A coming to love. It's a long journey of its own, after the long journey we have already walked. Nay, crawled.
Turmoil in my mind. A nephew due in four
weeks. Wanting to be happy for them. Wanting to be
excited at the prospect. Actually being numb. Looking at photos of
someone else's little blue babygrows drying after the first wash in readiness. Memories of doing that. The excitement, the readiness....will I
ever need to "be ready" again?
Prayer. Thoughts on prayer, working on prayer. Prayers. For peace. For not doubting. For trust. HELP ME!!! please?
Then this afternoon, at 2.10pm. It hit me like a wave. Not grief,
peace. I felt it wash over and through me. I physically relaxed. I
thought- wow! This is peace. It is OK. What a gift. A moment. A lifting, an embracing, an answer to prayer.
A mixture of two verses entered my head:
John
14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you
as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be
afraid.
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.
Nothing is impossible for Him.
Sunday, 4 May 2014
International Bereaved Mothers' day
That's today. Not Star Wars day, Bereaved Mothers' Day. Did you know that?
Probably not, afterall, Hallmark haven't caught on yet....
I'm sat in Starbucks, because we recently moved and don't have internet at home yet. I came here with the sole purpose of using their free wifi to write this blog...and yet here I am with the last dregs of my chocolate-cream overpriced glorified milkshake staring at the iPad and being sarcastic, evidently I have writers block. I've procrastinated all I can and it's time to write. So here goes.
Where am I?
The first thing that strikes me is that I'm in Starbucks. This is relevant, hugely. On my first bereaved Mother's Day there is no way I would have come to a Starbucks. In spring. On bank holiday Sunday. No way, no how. The thought would have horrified me utterly. Too many families, too many babies. Buggies everywhere I looked and me thinking, screaming inside: THAT SHOULD BE ME! This year, year three, is different. Don't get me wrong, they still bother me, other people's babies that is. It still gives me a little stab in the heart, but at least it no longer rips my heart out altogether. I no longer think that should, be me becuase let's face it, it shouldn't- I should have a toddler now. No what I think now is, why isn't it me? Why am I still a childless mother, two and a half years on? And that is what gets to me more.
I recently felt comfortable enough with a new group of friends to tell them my story. They are Christians and I wanted their advice on the jealousy I feel about other pregnant women. I ended up explaining the whole story, because I needed to for them to understand where I am coming from. Telling them made me realise that there has been a shift in my grief. That I still grieve deeply for my son, but actually the thing that is really getting me down right now, in truth, is the inability to conceive again. That is what I am jealous of other women for. I found myself telling Bertie's abridged story, and moving quickly on to how unfair it is that after all this time, there is no rainbow baby for me. I guess it is all the harder because the grief of infertility comes hot on the tails of the grief of Bertie's loss. It simply is NOT fair to be going through both. It's inconceivable, if you'll excuse the pun.
My new house is filled with evidence of him. But, it isn't evidence of his existence, it is evidence that he existed. Past tense. Instead of crayons, toys and shoes scattered about my home, there are memory boxes, poems, and ornaments. The smallest room in the house contains the nursery furniture. But it is not the nursery, it's just the smallest room in the house- the one that we have no reason to go into.
One relief. It isn't his room. It's the furniture we bought for him to use, it houses his memory box for now and my favourite Winnie the Pooh quote as a nod to him, but this is not his room. We said goodbye to that room a long time ago, and this is a new room, waiting for his rainbow sibling. It will be decorated in readiness when the time comes. Bertie has no need for a nursery, he is all through the house, king of whatever castle he chooses. I hope he chooses ours the most.
And now I'm crying in Starbucks. Time to go.
Probably not, afterall, Hallmark haven't caught on yet....
I'm sat in Starbucks, because we recently moved and don't have internet at home yet. I came here with the sole purpose of using their free wifi to write this blog...and yet here I am with the last dregs of my chocolate-cream overpriced glorified milkshake staring at the iPad and being sarcastic, evidently I have writers block. I've procrastinated all I can and it's time to write. So here goes.
Where am I?
The first thing that strikes me is that I'm in Starbucks. This is relevant, hugely. On my first bereaved Mother's Day there is no way I would have come to a Starbucks. In spring. On bank holiday Sunday. No way, no how. The thought would have horrified me utterly. Too many families, too many babies. Buggies everywhere I looked and me thinking, screaming inside: THAT SHOULD BE ME! This year, year three, is different. Don't get me wrong, they still bother me, other people's babies that is. It still gives me a little stab in the heart, but at least it no longer rips my heart out altogether. I no longer think that should, be me becuase let's face it, it shouldn't- I should have a toddler now. No what I think now is, why isn't it me? Why am I still a childless mother, two and a half years on? And that is what gets to me more.
I recently felt comfortable enough with a new group of friends to tell them my story. They are Christians and I wanted their advice on the jealousy I feel about other pregnant women. I ended up explaining the whole story, because I needed to for them to understand where I am coming from. Telling them made me realise that there has been a shift in my grief. That I still grieve deeply for my son, but actually the thing that is really getting me down right now, in truth, is the inability to conceive again. That is what I am jealous of other women for. I found myself telling Bertie's abridged story, and moving quickly on to how unfair it is that after all this time, there is no rainbow baby for me. I guess it is all the harder because the grief of infertility comes hot on the tails of the grief of Bertie's loss. It simply is NOT fair to be going through both. It's inconceivable, if you'll excuse the pun.
My new house is filled with evidence of him. But, it isn't evidence of his existence, it is evidence that he existed. Past tense. Instead of crayons, toys and shoes scattered about my home, there are memory boxes, poems, and ornaments. The smallest room in the house contains the nursery furniture. But it is not the nursery, it's just the smallest room in the house- the one that we have no reason to go into.
One relief. It isn't his room. It's the furniture we bought for him to use, it houses his memory box for now and my favourite Winnie the Pooh quote as a nod to him, but this is not his room. We said goodbye to that room a long time ago, and this is a new room, waiting for his rainbow sibling. It will be decorated in readiness when the time comes. Bertie has no need for a nursery, he is all through the house, king of whatever castle he chooses. I hope he chooses ours the most.
And now I'm crying in Starbucks. Time to go.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
Lenten joys and thankful things
This year, for lent, I am giving up Facebook. Many of my nearest and dearest are fairly skeptical (read:cynical) about my ability to do this...and I have to admit, I am inclined to feel the same! But, I am determined, I am on a mission of sheer will power, I will do this. (or, I will have {easter} egg on my face).
Why? Several reasons:
-Because I use it too much
-Because I have realised I check it more out of habit than enjoyment
-Because more often than not something I see there upsets me
-Because I put so much on my facebook page I have nothing to say whan I actually SEE people
-Because it's lent, and I want to give up something. And chocolate was not an option.
Instead I want to use this space to speak happiness, to focus on the good things in life, things I am grateful for and things that I am mindful that I have and others' do not. Or, if I'm honest, it's a way to update my status every day, without actually updating my status!
So stand by for the gradual unfurling of 46 days of lenten joy!
1. Today I am grateful to live in a democratic country, not under threat of war. Praying for peaceful resolution in Ukraine.
2. For answered prayers in the form of our buyers agreeing to wait until the end of the month to complete-so we don't have to find temporary accommodation!
3. I'm very glad for randomly booked days off, that turn out to be perfect timing for loads of things
that suddenly need to be done!
4. I am grateful for the kindness and help of very good friends today, and for the opportunity to share a meal with them as thanks.
5. Delighted to come across this blog post. Lovely to read your own feelings put into words so well by somebody else. A good reminder not to be so hard on myself for my "jealous" feelings, which in
reality are something much more complex. Also loving her comments on "infertility and stress" and the far more helpful things people could say instead.
6. Needing to wear my sunglasses for the drive to AND from work today! :)
7. Last night when I was using a second pair of glasses to try and magnify the tiny, poor contrast print I was trying to read (and getting extremely frustrated about it) I was reminded of the many patients I see every day for whom reading and seeing is like this all the time. So today I am grateful for my good eyesight, and will see my low vision patients with a fresh understanding and sympathy.
8. So grateful today for the HUGE weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.
9. We are seeing the first signs of spring, my favourite time of year :)
10. HURRAH for onesies!
11. Huge gratitude for family friends, hospital staff, careers and strangers all caring for and about my health and well being.
12. Pleased to be healing well and back on my feet quickly :)
13. Life is finally turning a huge corner and I feel HAPPY and HOPEFUL! HURRAH!
14. Glad to have made it through two weeks of no facebook, not missing it, and people are still keeping in touch :)
15. The book group I started is proving to be a success! Love books :)
16. Last night as I lay awake worrying about our impending flat sale and the fact we haven't
exchanged yet, I was reminded of how lucky I am to have a roof over my head at all. So today I will be thinking of and praying for all those people in the world who are not so lucky.
17. Parents.
18. Huge gratitude for all the people who have offered to help us today!
19. Waking up in our new (temporary) home having successfully moved in
20. The bravery of Amanda Holden and all the bereaved parents on tonights dispatches and renewed gratitude for the care we received after Bertie died.
21. Finally, nearly two years to the day since we put it on the market, we have completed on the sale of our flat!
22. For the hug and "you've changed my life" from a patient yesterday that makes my job worthwhile :)
23. There have been so many answers to prayer for myself and people in my life this week, it's very encouraging.
24. The repairs to our new house are complete and we are on track to move in at Easter!
25. The couple selling us their house have told us they are leaving the curtains and wardrobes, really helping us out financially.
26. Waking up on this third Mothers' day without my son with more hope in my heart than in pprevious years. Despite the pain I feel hope that maybe this will be my last with only a child in heaven to love.
27. My lovely cat Pippa. Because she has to feature in here somewhere!
28. It's April! This month we finally get to
move into the home we hope to fill with tiny feet. New beginnings :)
29. Grateful for my thicker skin and it not hurting *quite* so much when people ask me if I have any children, or tell me they are pregnant with their second baby since mine died, both of which happened today.
30. My mothers' day daffodils are so bittersweet, but remind me of the beauty of spring. So today I am thankful for Spring, my favourite season.
31. Feeling glad I started this project and realising again how I have so much to be thankful for
32. Lovely walks appreciating tbe beauty of the world around me.
33. Today I saw my first clutch of ducklings for the year! For some reason ducklings make me happy. I adore them! So they are my thankful thing for today.
34. Ten days and counting eep!
35. Today I saw a rainbow. They make me smile almost as much as ducklings :)
36. The hope and encouragement found in John chaptets 14-17. Particularly ch16 v33 "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world"
37. My heart is opening to the possability of adoption. I will be a mummy, somehow, someday.
37. We have exchanged contracts on our new house!! Moce in next week :) what a joy, what a blessing! woohooooo!
38. Given all the expenses we have right now, today's joy was going to buy our white goods and finding they were all in the Easter sale so we came in under budget hurrah!
39. I woke up this morning with it on my heart to make a blanket for my nephew, due in June. Choosing a gift for him is something I've been alternately worrying about and refusing to think about, so to feel with clarity and certainty that I can, and actually want to make it is wonderful, a huge step forwards for me.
40. Less than a week to go and despite daily emails from Facebook telling me I have notifications pending, I have resisted the urge to cheat! Proud of my willpower! Now if only I could do the same with sweets....!
41. Packing to move again- and this time it's permanent!! :D
42. What a beautiful day! Also, one more sleep! :)
43. Joy is found in the first cup of tea in our new home!
44. I believe and trust in a God who knows what it is to suffer. Christ died. Horrifically. For me.
45. We have lovely new neighbours! 1st day here and we have two welcome cards and a bottle of wine!
46. HE IS RISEN!!
Why? Several reasons:
-Because I use it too much
-Because I have realised I check it more out of habit than enjoyment
-Because more often than not something I see there upsets me
-Because I put so much on my facebook page I have nothing to say whan I actually SEE people
-Because it's lent, and I want to give up something. And chocolate was not an option.
Instead I want to use this space to speak happiness, to focus on the good things in life, things I am grateful for and things that I am mindful that I have and others' do not. Or, if I'm honest, it's a way to update my status every day, without actually updating my status!
So stand by for the gradual unfurling of 46 days of lenten joy!
1. Today I am grateful to live in a democratic country, not under threat of war. Praying for peaceful resolution in Ukraine.
2. For answered prayers in the form of our buyers agreeing to wait until the end of the month to complete-so we don't have to find temporary accommodation!
3. I'm very glad for randomly booked days off, that turn out to be perfect timing for loads of things
that suddenly need to be done!
4. I am grateful for the kindness and help of very good friends today, and for the opportunity to share a meal with them as thanks.
5. Delighted to come across this blog post. Lovely to read your own feelings put into words so well by somebody else. A good reminder not to be so hard on myself for my "jealous" feelings, which in
reality are something much more complex. Also loving her comments on "infertility and stress" and the far more helpful things people could say instead.
6. Needing to wear my sunglasses for the drive to AND from work today! :)
7. Last night when I was using a second pair of glasses to try and magnify the tiny, poor contrast print I was trying to read (and getting extremely frustrated about it) I was reminded of the many patients I see every day for whom reading and seeing is like this all the time. So today I am grateful for my good eyesight, and will see my low vision patients with a fresh understanding and sympathy.
8. So grateful today for the HUGE weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.
9. We are seeing the first signs of spring, my favourite time of year :)
10. HURRAH for onesies!
11. Huge gratitude for family friends, hospital staff, careers and strangers all caring for and about my health and well being.
12. Pleased to be healing well and back on my feet quickly :)
13. Life is finally turning a huge corner and I feel HAPPY and HOPEFUL! HURRAH!
14. Glad to have made it through two weeks of no facebook, not missing it, and people are still keeping in touch :)
15. The book group I started is proving to be a success! Love books :)
16. Last night as I lay awake worrying about our impending flat sale and the fact we haven't
exchanged yet, I was reminded of how lucky I am to have a roof over my head at all. So today I will be thinking of and praying for all those people in the world who are not so lucky.
17. Parents.
18. Huge gratitude for all the people who have offered to help us today!
19. Waking up in our new (temporary) home having successfully moved in
20. The bravery of Amanda Holden and all the bereaved parents on tonights dispatches and renewed gratitude for the care we received after Bertie died.
21. Finally, nearly two years to the day since we put it on the market, we have completed on the sale of our flat!
22. For the hug and "you've changed my life" from a patient yesterday that makes my job worthwhile :)
23. There have been so many answers to prayer for myself and people in my life this week, it's very encouraging.
24. The repairs to our new house are complete and we are on track to move in at Easter!
25. The couple selling us their house have told us they are leaving the curtains and wardrobes, really helping us out financially.
26. Waking up on this third Mothers' day without my son with more hope in my heart than in pprevious years. Despite the pain I feel hope that maybe this will be my last with only a child in heaven to love.
27. My lovely cat Pippa. Because she has to feature in here somewhere!
28. It's April! This month we finally get to
move into the home we hope to fill with tiny feet. New beginnings :)
29. Grateful for my thicker skin and it not hurting *quite* so much when people ask me if I have any children, or tell me they are pregnant with their second baby since mine died, both of which happened today.
30. My mothers' day daffodils are so bittersweet, but remind me of the beauty of spring. So today I am thankful for Spring, my favourite season.
31. Feeling glad I started this project and realising again how I have so much to be thankful for
32. Lovely walks appreciating tbe beauty of the world around me.
33. Today I saw my first clutch of ducklings for the year! For some reason ducklings make me happy. I adore them! So they are my thankful thing for today.
34. Ten days and counting eep!
35. Today I saw a rainbow. They make me smile almost as much as ducklings :)
36. The hope and encouragement found in John chaptets 14-17. Particularly ch16 v33 "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world"
37. My heart is opening to the possability of adoption. I will be a mummy, somehow, someday.
37. We have exchanged contracts on our new house!! Moce in next week :) what a joy, what a blessing! woohooooo!
38. Given all the expenses we have right now, today's joy was going to buy our white goods and finding they were all in the Easter sale so we came in under budget hurrah!
39. I woke up this morning with it on my heart to make a blanket for my nephew, due in June. Choosing a gift for him is something I've been alternately worrying about and refusing to think about, so to feel with clarity and certainty that I can, and actually want to make it is wonderful, a huge step forwards for me.
40. Less than a week to go and despite daily emails from Facebook telling me I have notifications pending, I have resisted the urge to cheat! Proud of my willpower! Now if only I could do the same with sweets....!
41. Packing to move again- and this time it's permanent!! :D
42. What a beautiful day! Also, one more sleep! :)
43. Joy is found in the first cup of tea in our new home!
44. I believe and trust in a God who knows what it is to suffer. Christ died. Horrifically. For me.
45. We have lovely new neighbours! 1st day here and we have two welcome cards and a bottle of wine!
46. HE IS RISEN!!
Sunday, 9 February 2014
The lines I shouldn't write
Some people, when they read this, may feel offended or upset. I hope that they understand that is not my intention. That I have agonised for weeks over whether to write this blog, but in the end it comes down to a simple fact. The only way to effectively prevent my emotions from pulling me back into The Pit, is to express them. And since people, for the most part, are not comfortable talking to me about this stuff, the only effective way I have of expressing them, is through my blog.
And so I will begin.
I am feeling left behind. My friends' rainbows are reaching a year old now, one by one that milestone is passing for those new little families, and I am still here, still trying so desperately for my own rainbow. When I wrote two years ago about them all conceiving one by one and how I struggled with it not being me, when I wrote about those babies being born one by one, and I was still trying...did I imagine I would still be in the same place, as those babies became toddlers? Yes, in my nightmares I did, I feared it...but I hoped, prayed, and begged that it wouldn't happen this way. It has. Whilst I am still trudging up and down the snakes and ladders board, they are no longer standing on the finish square, cheering me on. They have moved on to a new game of mums and tots. I can't blame them, but it hurts to feel so left behind, forgotten, given up on.
People have stopped telling me it will be my turn soon. They seem to have accepted that it won't be. Now I am asked, "will you adopt?" I am told, "well, it's going to keep happening isn't it" when I mention feeling sad and jealous that someone I know has fallen pregnant without even trying, again. Yes, the unspoken thought they appear to have- it is going to keep happening.... so just get over it.
People tell me "you need to let go now" Let go of what, exactly? The anger? the hurt? My son? How do I break an unbreakable bond? I miss him, it's agony. I'm desperate to be a mummy again, it's agony. I'm going to be an aunty...it's agony.
I'm sorry, but it is. I wish so much it could be different. It's a knife wound in my broken heart. Its a mockery of my broken body. It's a boy. It's agony. I have to watch them live my dream. They've been granted the life I was cheated of, handed it on a plate. The life I've been praying for. I feel cheated of the relationship I should have with my nephew. I should be so excited. I should be handing down the things Bertie has finished with...instead I will have to hold back tears as he does all the things Bertie will never do. I begged it would be me first. No. I begged it would take a few months at least. No. I begged it would be a girl.....NO!
Now I am begging for it to be my turn before he is born. Guess what I think the answer will be?
A week on Friday I go for my operation. I am excited and terrified in equal measure. I am excited that maybe this will be the golden ticket I have been waiting for. Maybe this will work! Maybe I will be able to conceive soon after! On the other hand, maybe there will be another problem, maybe they will find something else wrong...maybe it won't work. I am trying to stay positive, but after so many "no" answers....could you?
And so I will begin.
I am feeling left behind. My friends' rainbows are reaching a year old now, one by one that milestone is passing for those new little families, and I am still here, still trying so desperately for my own rainbow. When I wrote two years ago about them all conceiving one by one and how I struggled with it not being me, when I wrote about those babies being born one by one, and I was still trying...did I imagine I would still be in the same place, as those babies became toddlers? Yes, in my nightmares I did, I feared it...but I hoped, prayed, and begged that it wouldn't happen this way. It has. Whilst I am still trudging up and down the snakes and ladders board, they are no longer standing on the finish square, cheering me on. They have moved on to a new game of mums and tots. I can't blame them, but it hurts to feel so left behind, forgotten, given up on.
People have stopped telling me it will be my turn soon. They seem to have accepted that it won't be. Now I am asked, "will you adopt?" I am told, "well, it's going to keep happening isn't it" when I mention feeling sad and jealous that someone I know has fallen pregnant without even trying, again. Yes, the unspoken thought they appear to have- it is going to keep happening.... so just get over it.
People tell me "you need to let go now" Let go of what, exactly? The anger? the hurt? My son? How do I break an unbreakable bond? I miss him, it's agony. I'm desperate to be a mummy again, it's agony. I'm going to be an aunty...it's agony.
I'm sorry, but it is. I wish so much it could be different. It's a knife wound in my broken heart. Its a mockery of my broken body. It's a boy. It's agony. I have to watch them live my dream. They've been granted the life I was cheated of, handed it on a plate. The life I've been praying for. I feel cheated of the relationship I should have with my nephew. I should be so excited. I should be handing down the things Bertie has finished with...instead I will have to hold back tears as he does all the things Bertie will never do. I begged it would be me first. No. I begged it would take a few months at least. No. I begged it would be a girl.....NO!
Now I am begging for it to be my turn before he is born. Guess what I think the answer will be?
A week on Friday I go for my operation. I am excited and terrified in equal measure. I am excited that maybe this will be the golden ticket I have been waiting for. Maybe this will work! Maybe I will be able to conceive soon after! On the other hand, maybe there will be another problem, maybe they will find something else wrong...maybe it won't work. I am trying to stay positive, but after so many "no" answers....could you?
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