"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Friday, 18 May 2012

The 18th of the month

Today Bertie would be 8 months old. The 18th is always a tricky day for me, thinking about how old he would be now. In the early weeks, every Sunday was hard, as he was born on a Sunday, so every week marked how old he should be, but more than that, every week felt a week further away from him. As time has gone on, the weeks are less important, now it is the months that I mark. I guess eventually it will be years, but for now, I light his candle on the 18th of every month.

He comes to play, whenever I light his candle. It flickers like mad, despite there being no breeze. You may think I am crazy, but I do believe it's him. I never used to be someone who believed in these "signs" from lost love ones, but I do now. I can just tell when it is him. For example, every time I visit his forever bed, the sun shines. Even on a grey and miserable Christmas day, the sun poked through the clouds just a little bit for us. He is my sunshine. That is not to say that every time the sun shines, I think it is him, because I don't. I can tell the differece. It is hard to explain, but I just feel an inner peace when it is him, like he is telling me he's ok and he loves me.

For me, it is very important to be outside, that's when I feel close to him, especially at the beach, which is weird because I never used to be a beach person. Ever since my first visit to the beach when I wrote his name in the sand, I feel close to him there. I can't get to the beach today, but we will be there tomorrow, just me and Bertie x x

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