Today my boss is burying her father. It's brought back a lot of awful feelings for me, memories of Robert's service and how I felt that day, it's hit me hard and unexpectedly. I didn't atted this serivce, because I knew I would not handle being there well, and would be no support to her. Just thinking about her and knowing how she feels right now is very difficult.
I was chatting to a colleague yesterday about it, and it came up that he is athiest, and does not believe in life after death. He thinks that when we are gone, we are gone. I find that very sad. For me, I feel very lucky to have my faith, and to be certian that Robert is in a better place, and that I will be with him again one day. It is what enables me to cope, to deal with it. If I believed he were simply gone- I don't think I could handle that. What is interesting is that my colleague feels the same, he said he wishes he could believe what I believe, but he just doesn't, and can't make himself believe it. I think that is true, you can't convince yourself one way or the other, you have to feel it in your heart. I realise some people reading this will not be religious people, and I consider myself one of the lucky ones because I am.
Becuase he doesn't think there is anything else after life on Earth, my colleague is very aware of his own mortality, and that of his parents. Whereas I am not afraid of death, not any more. There's someone waiting for me. The way I see life now, is that I have faced the worst thing it is possible for a human being to face, and survived. So what do I have to fear? The only thing I am afraid of is going through this again one day. The thought of starting this journey a second time is just unbearable to me.