So Christmas was......ok!

So that's it done for another year. Last year was tough, really tough, and afterwards I was just glad to have survived. This year was actually ok...enjoyable in a lot of ways.  Still hard, Christmas always will be hard without my son to enjoy it with, but this year I was able to smile and enjoy being with the rest of my family.

My biggest fear was that he would be left out, ignored, not mentioned, swept under the carpet...the elephant in the room. He wasn't at all. We talked about him lots, what he'd be up to now, what we have learned from him, his legacy of a knitting mummy and aunty! The new friends we have because of him, and all the blessings we do have.  His aunty had made us a beautiful angel tree decoration, which was proudly displayed along with his soldier and train decorations, and his lit candle flickered and danced while we ate dinner.   He was still very much a part of our day and I am very grateful for that.

I also felt better in myself than I have for a while. I'd been praying for peace, and I got it, just a calm feeling that he is happy and safe, and that I am going to be OK; that next year will be better, that the storm is nearly over and a rainbow is going to light up our lives soon.  I hope so, so much. Nothing and no-one will ever replace our first born, but there is such a void in our lives that only a rainbow baby can come close to filling.  I have just ordered a beautiful sculpture called "we were three" of a father, mother, and angel baby sitting together.  We were three, and being two is just not enough any more.

My new favorite quote is from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo "He sought to transform the grief which sees only a pit into the grief which sees a star" I thought that was very beautiful, and very apt. I hope this will represent me in 2013.

Due Date...a year on

I am very restless today.  I got up late, started to tidy up, made to wash the dishes, then stopped that and put a film on.  Half watching that, kettle on and started the ironing. Gave up halfway through...I've read two pages of my book...began to think...began to cry...and now I need to write.

I've been trying to keep my mind occupied, that's all it is....but failing miserably.  It's the 22nd December, shouldn't mean anything this year.  Last year, it was a major milestone, Bertie's due date. I told myself that in future years, it wouldn't be a big deal.....it isn't his birthday, very few babies come on their due date...it means nothing from 2012 onwards. Only now it is here...it does. I can't help but think about what it should have been like now.  If things had turned out right, how they were supposed to, we'd be having a first birthday this week, as well as a second christmas. It would be a huge family celebration, and he'd be the centre of attention.

Instead, I have to wear the mask and try to make it through whilst everyone around me celebrates and his name is barely mentioned, if at all in some cases.

I think for me, it is harder to accept, and ignore this date because there was no reason for him to be born so early, and there was nothing wrong with him.  If he'd gone to term, if I'd held on to him for 13 more weeks...he'd be here now, a healthy happy one year old, just learning to walk and playing with tinsel and wrapping paper and cardboard boxes.

It's brought back my guilt.  My husband is missing his son, my parents their grandchild, my sister her nephew.....because I failed him.  And my punishment will last a lifetime.  Every Christmas, forever, this feeling is going to be back, and I don't know how much more my shattered heart can take.

I've done the first Christmas, and in so many ways this year is harder...there is less acceptance of my grief, less allowances for me to not be fully involved....."come on, it's been a year, you have to live..."...Don't you understand? My grief will never be over, because my love will never be over.  And Christmas, without my son, will always be so very hard.

Daydreams

Written months ago, this is weighing heavy on my heart today

Daydreams:

Will the world ever seem beautiful again?

I wondered as I whispered your name

As I sat watching the sunset over the lake-A perfect moment if we were still three

Instead I shed a tear; it’s just daddy and me.

Wishing we could show you all the world has to explore

Such grand plans we had in store!

Every happy family I see is a stab in my heart

Instead of happy together, we’re a lifetime apart.

Imagining you as a fearless five!

Running on ahead, leaving me behind

In bright blue wellies, loving the mud

But happily, not to old for a hug

On the beach now, flying your kite

Reading you stories as I tuck you in at night

Dad with the camera, capturing your cheeky smile

Now he’s holding your hand, helping you over a stile

Down at the riverside, feeding the ducks

I wonder if you’d have liked that much.

On daddy’s shoulders, lifting you high,

Today you’re pretending to be a rocket in the sky.

Next you’re “king of the castle”, my handsome prince

I’ll tell you to come give your hands a rinse,

Because digging for worms is not hygienic

When we’re out in the woods for a teddy bears’ picnic!

The memories we’ll never make,

You and me together, baking a cake,

I can only imagine the fun we’d have had

If you could have stayed longer, my little lad.

Instead my arms are empty and cold

Without you wrapped in them to hold

It’s all just a dream, never to be real

All I have left is the pain that I feel.

The call of the birds in the morning song

Assaults my ears now that you’re gone

The sun’s warmth hidden beneath the clouds

The world holds no wonder for me now

Without you here, life seems a waste

All sweet things have a bitter taste.

You have no idea how I long to feel his weight in my arms, little arms around my neck, tiny hands in my hair. His warm cheek against mine..."I love you mummy..... I love you too baby" . We have missed out on so much together. I miss him so.....

So This is Christmas (War Isn't Over)

Well, I've done it. I've put my tree up.  This is a big step for me, last year there was no way I could do it, this year, I felt I wanted to. I thought Bertie would like to see it, plus I have a couple of ornaments for him that I wanted to hang on it.  It started well, infact the old me came out when I realised the lights were broken, so off I raced to B&Q at 10mins to closing to buy some more! (I'd got it all out, and I wanted the tree up and boxes tidied away last night)  But, as I hung the last bauble, the familiar lump rose in my throat. It's just wrong. So wrong. He isn't here to see it. I won't ever lift him up so he can put the star on top. I can't see his face full of wonder at the lights.  Christmas hurts so much. It's about the children, only mine isn't here. And it Isn't. Fair.  I wonder if Christmas will ever feel the same again. I suspect not-there will always be one missing.  

For any angel mums reading this, who are facing their first Christmas without their angel- what I will say is is is not as bad as last year. It does get "easier" to cope with it all.  The mask fits a bit better now.

I'm even going to try and go to the carol service tonight. Not sure yet if I will cope with it or not- carols always make me emotional anyway, so it has the potential to be a disaster.....! But, I am trying this year to be as "normal" as possible. What is the alternative? Hide away every Christmas for the rest of my life? I can't do that, so instead, I will try to be thankful for what I do have, hold my son close in my heart, and just let it wash over me, as best I can.

I wrote this piece last year, but I still feel it just as much today as I did then.

A Christmas Wish

If I could wish upon a star

I’d wish to know that you’re not far

I’d want to feel your angel’s kiss

If I could have just that one wish

All I want this Christmas time

Is just to know that you’re still mine

Although in Heaven, not here with me

Forever my angel, you will be

I hope you can feel it-all my love

It’s sent to you, in Heaven above 

I don’t need material things

It’s enough just to feel you, in all my dreams

Turning it around (CBT 6)

So, thankfully I seem to have somehow emerged from The Pit. I'm not quite ready to start climbing the mountain yet, but me and my older self are standing together on the edge of The Pit, and we each have a ray gun. Every time a pesky negative thought comes for us (imagine shadowy faceless apparitions floating about above The Pit) they're getting a blast of the ray guns.  In other words, I am working on turning my thoughts around to more positive mindsets. Again. Sigh.

How I really feel	How I can try and see it differently
I feel like I have achieved nothing this year, I’m just a year older and all I have to show for it is a whole load of aging, physical and mental.	I may not have achieved all I hoped for (or anything I hoped for) BUT, I have achieved SO MUCH that isn’t visible. Just by being alive, and functioning, blogging, inspiring, working, supporting, praising…..going onwards.
I hate that I have to work hard at feeling happy these days	Ahh, but remember there was a time when you didn’t have the energy to even contemplate thinking about trying to be happy. That is how far you have come.
I’m scared Bertie was my only chance at motherhood	There’s no reason to believe that, even if it isn’t happening yet, more than likely it will, eventually…..and if not, there are other paths to parenthood.  I WILL be a mum, as not being is not an option. The wait is HARD, and it feels pretty crap right now, but it will be OH so worth it, Bertie taught you that.
I feel like hurdles keep being put in our path. Ok, now I have a diagnosis, but that just means the last 10 months were a waste of time	You can’t go back and change the past…getting a diagnosis and appropriate treatment is a huge step forward.  You are so much closer to your dreams than you were before. And YOU made that happen. YOU insisted you Dr investigate and you were RIGHT about your diagnosis. You’re more in control than you think you are.
It’s nearly Christmas and I really don’t feel like celebrating. What have I got to celebrate for this year? Nothing has happened that I hoped for.	This year has been really awful, yes it has. And it’s allowed to feel angry and upset about that.  But, it’s nearly Christmas, so it’s almost over! I can start afresh and hope for a better 2013
Whenever someone announces a pregnancy now, my first thought is jealousy. My second is oh my God, I hope they don’t go through this, and my third (or fourth, fifth or beyond) may be well, that is nice news for them.	This is normal for the new normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.  Who could really expect you to feel any different?
I hate that even if I do ever get pregnant again, I’ve lost the innocence and naivety that goes along with it. I’ll be scared the whole time. I know the worst case scenario.	I won’t be scared the whole time. I will be wiser, and I will still be on an emotional roller coaster, but every month I have to wait for my rainbow, is another month to get mentally and physically stronger to handle it.  I’ve lived the worst case scenario. And I’ve survived. What have I got to fear?
So many people in my life are pregnant, some days it just feels like there’s no escape from the constant reminders everywhere.	Well, of all the people you know who were, or are, trying for a baby, almost all of them are now pregnant….so, there won’t be too many more announcements before it’s your turn.   (OK, I realise that isn’t a particularly positive spin, but that’s the best I can do for that one-OK?)

A note to those who are closest to me: 

I know I can be difficult when I'm down in The Pit, and when people try to help me see the positives, I always have a negative response ready. I'm sorry for that.....but as a good friend pointed out to me this week, sometimes you just need someone to say, yeah, I understand why you feel so awful right now, it is really horrible.  Haven't you ever felt really low and down and been really irritated by someone trying to make light of the situation for you? I bet you have.  So please bear with me when that happens, I will start to feel better again in my own time, I always do.

 

Fear Vs Faith

Faith is believing in something in your heart that there is no tangible proof for.  As Christians, we are taught that faith cannot exist with fear, that the two are mutually exclusive. That we should give all our fears to God, and have faith that He will listen, and work to help us, in His time, in His way. Because He sees the bigger picture, He has the bigger plan. So do not be afraid! God has your back! Because, he loves us, and when you love someone, you want them to be happy, right?

But, to fear is human. Fight or flight? I am afraid. I am so afraid that I'm never going to be a mum again, I'm afraid of the journey ahead of me, whether I am, or I'm not going to make it to the destination I want to reach.  I can't trust completely in God to make it all ok, because it cannot ever be "all ok" again.....and the one thing that may make it just a little less "not ok", is not happening for us either.

Bertie should be 14 months old.  He isn't. I trusted my baby to God and he died. I've been trying for his sibling for nearly a year now, and I'm still a childless mother.  I'm still just as lost, just as confused about my future, just as unhappy, I still don't see the point or purpose in my life. Another Christmas, still the same. Not as raw, just as empty.

I wonder if this is my punishment, for no longer having complete faith? Is God telling me, you don't get your rainbow until you trust me to give them to you, until you believe I will? How can I? With every passing month, this journey is getting harder, not easier.  I find myself back at the bottom of the mountain, again, and I really don't know where I am going to find the strength to start climbing again. I'm not even sure I want to, the fall is just too painful.

I don't want to live the life I'm strong enough for, as so many people have told me I am. I want to live a life as an Earth mum, and have half a chance at some happiness. If I can't have that, then, I don't want to live this life at all.