So that's it done for another year. Last year was tough, really tough, and afterwards I was just glad to have survived. This year was actually ok...enjoyable in a lot of ways. Still hard, Christmas always will be hard without my son to enjoy it with, but this year I was able to smile and enjoy being with the rest of my family.
My biggest fear was that he would be left out, ignored, not mentioned, swept under the carpet...the elephant in the room. He wasn't at all. We talked about him lots, what he'd be up to now, what we have learned from him, his legacy of a knitting mummy and aunty! The new friends we have because of him, and all the blessings we do have. His aunty had made us a beautiful angel tree decoration, which was proudly displayed along with his soldier and train decorations, and his lit candle flickered and danced while we ate dinner. He was still very much a part of our day and I am very grateful for that.
I also felt better in myself than I have for a while. I'd been praying for peace, and I got it, just a calm feeling that he is happy and safe, and that I am going to be OK; that next year will be better, that the storm is nearly over and a rainbow is going to light up our lives soon. I hope so, so much. Nothing and no-one will ever replace our first born, but there is such a void in our lives that only a rainbow baby can come close to filling. I have just ordered a beautiful sculpture called "we were three" of a father, mother, and angel baby sitting together. We were three, and being two is just not enough any more.
My new favorite quote is from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo "He sought to transform the grief which sees only a pit into the grief which sees a star" I thought that was very beautiful, and very apt. I hope this will represent me in 2013.