"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Turning it around (CBT 6)

So, thankfully I seem to have somehow emerged from The Pit. I'm not quite ready to start climbing the mountain yet, but me and my older self are standing together on the edge of The Pit, and we each have a ray gun. Every time a pesky negative thought comes for us (imagine shadowy faceless apparitions floating about above The Pit) they're getting a blast of the ray guns.  In other words, I am working on turning my thoughts around to more positive mindsets. Again. Sigh.

How I really feel
How I can try and see it differently
I feel like I have achieved nothing this year, I’m just a year older and all I have to show for it is a whole load of aging, physical and mental.
I may not have achieved all I hoped for (or anything I hoped for) BUT, I have achieved SO MUCH that isn’t visible. Just by being alive, and functioning, blogging, inspiring, working, supporting, praising…..going onwards.
I hate that I have to work hard at feeling happy these days
Ahh, but remember there was a time when you didn’t have the energy to even contemplate thinking about trying to be happy. That is how far you have come.
I’m scared Bertie was my only chance at motherhood
There’s no reason to believe that, even if it isn’t happening yet, more than likely it will, eventually…..and if not, there are other paths to parenthood.  I WILL be a mum, as not being is not an option. The wait is HARD, and it feels pretty crap right now, but it will be OH so worth it, Bertie taught you that.
I feel like hurdles keep being put in our path. Ok, now I have a diagnosis, but that just means the last 10 months were a waste of time
You can’t go back and change the past…getting a diagnosis and appropriate treatment is a huge step forward.  You are so much closer to your dreams than you were before. And YOU made that happen. YOU insisted you Dr investigate and you were RIGHT about your diagnosis. You’re more in control than you think you are.
It’s nearly Christmas and I really don’t feel like celebrating. What have I got to celebrate for this year? Nothing has happened that I hoped for.
This year has been really awful, yes it has. And it’s allowed to feel angry and upset about that.  But, it’s nearly Christmas, so it’s almost over! I can start afresh and hope for a better 2013
Whenever someone announces a pregnancy now, my first thought is jealousy. My second is oh my God, I hope they don’t go through this, and my third (or fourth, fifth or beyond) may be well, that is nice news for them. 
This is normal for the new normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it.  Who could really expect you to feel any different?
I hate that even if I do ever get pregnant again, I’ve lost the innocence and naivety that goes along with it. I’ll be scared the whole time. I know the worst case scenario.
I won’t be scared the whole time. I will be wiser, and I will still be on an emotional roller coaster, but every month I have to wait for my rainbow, is another month to get mentally and physically stronger to handle it.  I’ve lived the worst case scenario. And I’ve survived. What have I got to fear?
So many people in my life are pregnant, some days it just feels like there’s no escape from the constant reminders everywhere.
Well, of all the people you know who were, or are, trying for a baby, almost all of them are now pregnant….so, there won’t be too many more announcements before it’s your turn.   (OK, I realise that isn’t a particularly positive spin, but that’s the best I can do for that one-OK?)

A note to those who are closest to me: 
I know I can be difficult when I'm down in The Pit, and when people try to help me see the positives, I always have a negative response ready. I'm sorry for that.....but as a good friend pointed out to me this week, sometimes you just need someone to say, yeah, I understand why you feel so awful right now, it is really horrible.  Haven't you ever felt really low and down and been really irritated by someone trying to make light of the situation for you? I bet you have.  So please bear with me when that happens, I will start to feel better again in my own time, I always do.

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