Faith is believing in something in your heart that there is no tangible proof for. As Christians, we are taught that faith cannot exist with fear, that the two are mutually exclusive. That we should give all our fears to God, and have faith that He will listen, and work to help us, in His time, in His way. Because He sees the bigger picture, He has the bigger plan. So do not be afraid! God has your back! Because, he loves us, and when you love someone, you want them to be happy, right?
But, to fear is human. Fight or flight? I am afraid. I am so afraid that I'm never going to be a mum again, I'm afraid of the journey ahead of me, whether I am, or I'm not going to make it to the destination I want to reach. I can't trust completely in God to make it all ok, because it cannot ever be "all ok" again.....and the one thing that may make it just a little less "not ok", is not happening for us either.
Bertie should be 14 months old. He isn't. I trusted my baby to God and he died. I've been trying for his sibling for nearly a year now, and I'm still a childless mother. I'm still just as lost, just as confused about my future, just as unhappy, I still don't see the point or purpose in my life. Another Christmas, still the same. Not as raw, just as empty.
I wonder if this is my punishment, for no longer having complete faith? Is God telling me, you don't get your rainbow until you trust me to give them to you, until you believe I will? How can I? With every passing month, this journey is getting harder, not easier. I find myself back at the bottom of the mountain, again, and I really don't know where I am going to find the strength to start climbing again. I'm not even sure I want to, the fall is just too painful.
I don't want to live the life I'm strong enough for, as so many people have told me I am. I want to live a life as an Earth mum, and have half a chance at some happiness. If I can't have that, then, I don't want to live this life at all.