"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Sunday, 9 December 2012

So This is Christmas (War Isn't Over)

Well, I've done it. I've put my tree up.  This is a big step for me, last year there was no way I could do it, this year, I felt I wanted to. I thought Bertie would like to see it, plus I have a couple of ornaments for him that I wanted to hang on it.  It started well, infact the old me came out when I realised the lights were broken, so off I raced to B&Q at 10mins to closing to buy some more! (I'd got it all out, and I wanted the tree up and boxes tidied away last night)  But, as I hung the last bauble, the familiar lump rose in my throat. It's just wrong. So wrong. He isn't here to see it. I won't ever lift him up so he can put the star on top. I can't see his face full of wonder at the lights.  Christmas hurts so much. It's about the children, only mine isn't here. And it Isn't. Fair.  I wonder if Christmas will ever feel the same again. I suspect not-there will always be one missing.  

For any angel mums reading this, who are facing their first Christmas without their angel- what I will say is is is not as bad as last year. It does get "easier" to cope with it all.  The mask fits a bit better now.

I'm even going to try and go to the carol service tonight. Not sure yet if I will cope with it or not- carols always make me emotional anyway, so it has the potential to be a disaster.....! But, I am trying this year to be as "normal" as possible. What is the alternative? Hide away every Christmas for the rest of my life? I can't do that, so instead, I will try to be thankful for what I do have, hold my son close in my heart, and just let it wash over me, as best I can.

I wrote this piece last year, but I still feel it just as much today as I did then.

A Christmas Wish

If I could wish upon a star
I’d wish to know that you’re not far
I’d want to feel your angel’s kiss
If I could have just that one wish
All I want this Christmas time
Is just to know that you’re still mine
Although in Heaven, not here with me
Forever my angel, you will be
I hope you can feel it-all my love
It’s sent to you, in Heaven above 
I don’t need material things

It’s enough just to feel you, in all my dreams

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