"I will praise the one who's chosen me, to carry you"
-Selah: I will carry you

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Another new year: what will it bring?

And so we have welcomed in 2013 and I have mixed feelings as usual.  2011 brought my first pregnancy and the happiest six months of my life, I met my son, I said goodbye to him, I had the worst three months of my life.  I saw in 2012 in tears as I wasn't ready to leave "his year" behind. I tried to tell myself that it was a new year, a new start, that things would get better......

2012 I have dubbed "the year of unfulfilled dreams." Not a fresh start, but an extension of the end of 2011. It saw all the "firsts", but not the firsts that should have been. Instead of first words, first steps, first teddies......it saw the first christmas, first Mother's Day, first Father's Day, first birthday without him.....  And they were all spaced throughout the year every couple of months; a relentless line of hurdles that we had to keep jumping over.  Alongside our Bertie pain came the frustration and pain, yes, pain of trying, and failing, to conceive again.   Each milestone was a reminder that we were no closer to our dream of being parents in the way we want to be.   Meanwhile, so many people around us shared their happy news, each one another little happy for them, but sad for us, jab.

So, on to 2013. Well it has got to be better, right? I no longer see the passing year as moving further away from Bertie, but closer to being with him again.  You may find that a bit morbid, but it's true.   I keep flitting between feeling positive, and confident that this will be our year, that by next Christmas, we will at least have our rainbow on the way, if not in our arms....to feeling,  but what if we don't? We are fast approaching the twelve month point of trying,  and it's yet another "milestone" in a lot of ways. We've tried, and failed, for nearly a year. It's a long time, on top of the time we tried for, and waited for Bertie, then had to wait before we could try again, mentally and physically.  I am older.  So many people have said to me "at least you know you can get pregnant" and for the first few months I said it too...but now, I am really starting to feel that no, I don't know that I can at all.  I know that I could, and did but I also know that there are no guarantees. And I frequently catch myself thinking "what if Bertie was my only chance?"   I know I need to try and be positive, for my sanity's sake......but the more time passes, the harder that is.  Overall, I am feeling ok, that surely, surely, surely, it has to be our turn soon. I hope so, becuase I am fast running out of distraction tactics, and I honestly don't think I could get through a third Christmas feeling this way.

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